Nick Pigeon

I've thought up a new name for Keir Starmer when Labour beat the Tories - Prime Mehnister. #PrimeMehnister You're welcome.

News outlets are going big on the new pope saying mass. FFS he's a catholic priest, that's what they do! Well, that and noncing up children...

Despite Farage being all over the media with his sickening smug grin, Chris Philp still has the most punchable face in politics.

So Farage the control freak has more freaks to control. Surely this will end well...

Had a hailstorm where I live today. They were the size of slightly small frozen peas. Man, those hailstones were the size of, well, hailstones.

Am I alone in thinking Elon Musk's dad looks like Josef Fritzl? #Musk

So I hear Hague has resigned. Only recently been appointed as chancellor to Oxford. Those tories can't keep a job can they.

Did the coronation cost the taxpayers more or less than Michelle Mone? Just asking.

I see many Farmers were out protesting with their wife and sister. Of course numbers would have been bigger if the latter two weren't the same person.

Have anyone noticed gammons claiming that snow today is evidence against global warming?

Now that Justin Welby has resigned, I would like all media organisations to be aware that I know a bloke called Johnboy who can belch the phrase "Archbishop of Canterbury". Get in touch, he's very cheap.

The positive stuff about #PrinceWilliam being placed in the press make me sure there's a shit show due in the weekend papers. Last week there were stories about how Chas was clamping down on his nonce bro's finances. Cue stories about him and his son being slum landlords.

People are saying Trump is going to be the most powerful person on the planet. Only because Geoff Capes died.

I've heard that Trump has won the senate and the house meaning he has "total control." Not of his bowels he doesn't, the guy wears a nappy.

Has China invaded Taiwan yet? Or are they waiting for the inauguration?

Howdy pardners, yeee ha! Just done been and voted. Didn't want Kamala Harris to win so put an X next to her name. Hot diggidy dog!

When I saw a picture of Robert Jenrick and his wife, I thought it was a before and after Scooby Doo villain reveal.

@e3jtp Seems like everyone on twitter agrees with the sign. No idea why...

The tories have always kept secret their membership numbers. Until Bob Blackman, bloated with self importance, told everyone today.

@e3jtp Wow, you seem to be going viral.

I'm against a tax on farmers. Unless there is a tax relief on the cushions that those with pulsating bum grapes use.