RC deWinter

What’s the difference between the Gestapo and ICE? Just the uniform.

A French, a British and an American naval engineer were bragging about their submarines while. standing by a harbor. The French engineer said, "Ahh, the French submarine can stay submerged for five weeks and and we do not run out of croissants or red wine. It is magnifique!" The Brit responded, “Oh my dear chap, that’s nothing. Her majesty's submarines can stay under water for two months and the officers will still have an ample supply of gin and tonic –splendid, really!" The American replied, “Well, you ain't heard nothin' yet. The American submarines can stay at the bottom of the ocean for half a year and we'll still be eatin' burgers and steaks – yeehaw!” Suddenly, bubbles appeared on the water. Slowly, a rusty submarine rose from the waves. The hatch squeaked open and a very old, grey-bearded officer in a black uniform climbed from the hull. "HEIL HITLER!” he shouted. Where is ze gas station?”

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years. Right at the back of the farm there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed up the spot with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees. One evening the farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn’t been down there for a while. Before setting off he grabbed a five-gallon bucket so he could bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. As the farmer got closer he saw a group of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. When they noticed him they all swam away to the far end of the pond. One of the women shouted, “We’re not coming out until you leave, mister!“ The farmer replied, “Ladies, I didn’t come down here to watch you swim naked or make you get out of the pond. You carry on.“ The old-timer then held up his bucket and said, “I just came down here to feed the alligators.” Moral of the story: Never underestimate an old man.

A pigeon, a snake, and a bear were hanging out in a park and the pigeon said, “See that family over there having a picnic? I can go over and get the humans to give food." The snake and bear laughed."We can all get food,” hissed the snake. No," the pigeon replied. “I can get them to give me food in a more creative way than you two." The pigeon flew over, landing close to one of the plates. He flapped around, hopping, flying and cooing. The father looked over, laughed, took a piece of bread and threw it to the pigeon. The pigeon carried the bread back and ate it. "Please," the snake said, "I can do better." It slithered over to the picnic near the plate of muffins. The father let out a yelp and l chased the snake away until the snake was back with the pigeon and bear. The bear laughed. "You guys are amateurs," he said, rolling on the ground. “Amateurs!" said the pigeon. “If you think they were afraid of the snake what makes you think they're not going to be afraid of you?" The bear smiled. "Just watch," he said as he lumbered over to the family. The pigeon and snake dropped their jaws when to their absolute shock the family laughed and gave the bear a large plate of ribs. As the three ate the bear's prize the pigeon said, “I guess you were right, but I want to know is how you were able to do it." "Well," the bear growled, "I just asked. You know we can speak English, dumb shit."

What does Cinderella wear at the beach?
Glass flippers

Yesterday I saw a marine mammal swim along the coast holding a glass of orange juice in it's flippers. Turned out to be a Vitamin C-lion. Don’t throw things!😂😂😂

And then there’s that flatulent l rapper, 50 Scents…

What do you call a sociopathic flatulent Englishman? Jack the Ripper

he's always been an effing turkey with bullshit stuffing

What do you call a monkey that likes to gossip? A blaboon. i'm dreadfully sorry, and if you believe that I've got a bridge for sale too.

Where do chimps get their gossip? On the ape vine. Don’t throw things! 😉

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen to clean up and gossip. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.” The other man said, “What’s the name of the restaurant?” The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know...the one that’s red and has thorns.” “Do you mean a rose?” answered the other. “Yes!” the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, “Rose what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided he really needed a new robe. After looking around, he saw a sign for "Finkelstein the Tailor." He went in and Finkelstein prepared a new robe for him which was a perfect fit. When Jesus asked how much he owed, Finkelstein brushed him off. "No, no, there's no charge. But may I ask a small favor? Maybe whenever you give a sermon you could just mention a little something about how your nice robe was prepared by Finkelstein the Tailor." Jesus readily agreed and, as promised, plugged Finkelstein's robes every time he preached. Some months later Jesus was again wandering through Jerusalem, happened by Finkelstein's shop and was amazed to see a long line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. Jesus pushed his way through the crowd to speak to Finkelstein. "Jesus, Jesus, look what a marvel you've been for business," gushed Finkelstein. "Would you consider a partnership?" "Sure, sure," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is." "Uh, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus." The two of them argued for some time about the name, finally arrived at a compromise and decided to name the business “Lord & Taylor.”

A man was flying a plane over the Amazon when he suddenly crashed. He lived, managed to get out of the plane and was staggering through the jungle when he was suddenly surrounded by bloodthirsty savages and he thought, “Man, I am totally fucked.” “No”, a voice boomed out from the heavens, “You’re not fucked.” The voice continued, “Listen to me very carefully. Grab the spear from the savage next to you, run up to the chief and stab him in the chest.” So the man, with nothing to lose, grabbed the spear from the savage next to him, an up to the chief and stabbed him in the chest. As he was standing over the chief, who was dying in a pool of blood, he looked up to the sky and asked, “Now what, Lord?” The voice boomed back, “OK. NOW you’re fucked.”

“The greatest evils in the world will not be carried out by men with guns, but by men in suits sitting behind desks.” C.S. Lewis

Ah, "The Phantom of the Opera" - the musical about the deformed Frenchman looking for true love. Not to be confused with "Beauty and the Beast," the musical about the deformed Frenchman looking for true love. Or with "The Hunchback of Notre Dame," the musical about the deformed Frenchman looking for true love. Anyone else see a pattern here? So much for the culture of France. Ah, "The Phantom of the Opera" - the musical about the deformed Frenchman looking for true love. Not to be confused with "Beauty and the Beast," the musical about the deformed Frenchman looking for true love. Or with "The Hunchback of Notre Dame," the musical about the deformed Frenchman looking for true love. Anyone else see a pattern here? So much for the culture of France.

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Three potatoes decided to go to the swimming pool. The first potato went to the lowest diving board, did a simple forward flip and landed flawlessly in the water before coming back up for air. The second potato climbed to the next diving board, did a more intricate double-backflip in the air and landed feet-first into the water. Soon enough he too breached the surface and swam off. The third potato climbed to the highest diving board and, wanting to show off, ran down the board as fast as he could, jumped, and brought its arms and legs close to its body as it did a cannonball, hitting the water with a gigantic splash. However, after several seconds, it hadn’t come back up. The other two potatoes begin to panic and called for the lifeguard. Sure enough the lifeguard found the third potato sitting at the bottom of the pool, unable to come up for air. In the nick of time the lifeguard managed to pull the him out of the water. "Are you okay?" asked the first potato. "I thought you said you swam just as well as we do,” said the second potato. "I thought I did, “said the third potato. "Turns out I sink, therefore I yam."

The Bears were looking for a new quarterback. The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So he brought him to the States, taught him the great game of football and the Bears went on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan was hailed as the great hero of football and when the coach asks him what he wanted, all he wanted was to call his mother. "Mom," he said into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" “I don't want to talk to you,” the old Muslim woman said."You are not my son!" "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleaded. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans." "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorted. "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old woman paused and then said, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!”