Ralphy Parker

@JuliaEveHays "69, dudes!!"

@robdelaney My poop is coming out brown??

If Twitter were around when the movie "Rocky" was made, Carl Weathers might say something like, "Can Apollo get a follow??"

"I'M ANGRY!!!!", said my butt, in the language of Fart.

I bet a clever nickname for Abraham Lincoln, were he known for bad hygiene, would've been "Stinkin' Abe".

Just found out there's a program called "WEEDS" which celebrates pot/marijuana lifestyle. Way to go, Obama. #420NO #FailingAgenda

This salsa isn't very good. It tastes like smoky asshole. I guess it's actually pretty good.

My dong is kind of like an elephant's trunk......gray.

@MeredthSalenger Hello, Meredith. :o)

Everyone sounds German when they let out that slightly held-back, half-muffled sneeze.

It seems to me that everyone on Twitter is a neo-maxi-zoom-dweebie.

Hi! Download/stream my new standup special for $5 at azizansari.com. DRM free. Anywhere in the world. #DangerouslyDelicious RT PLS

The fact that Splinter from the Ninja Turtles never gets splinters from his wood cane almost seems too ironic.

I keep telling you I'm here on business, but you just want to believe I'm nothing but an Accidental Tourist.

Guys.......for the umpteenth time.....I'm Not Rappaport!

My girlfriend treats me like I'm bacteria on her teeth. She's avoiding me like the plaque!

Everyone wants to do everything......GOSH!!!