Ian Cognito

@Mike_Fabricant Halloween starts earlier every year.

What a bargain!!! I’ll buy one.

@PollardRach Giving or receiving?

@SimonMcCoyTV Not very positive

If she says ‘could this be it?’ one more time I’m going to scream! #BBC #Lionesses

I'm going to do some hovering in the lounge, let's see how she likes it. 😆

The bionic fella used to have my brother and I hiding behind the sofa.

@LeeHurstComic Looking forward to the ULSZ ultra low stabbing zone.

According to Sadiq Khan, your old diesel cars are causing such bad pollution in London that each year you are literally killing thousands of people. You absolute bastards. However… If you give him £12.50 each time you drive in, the dying people can go fuck themselves.

@Iromg Good blackberry picking weather, a dog poo bag is a handy receptacle. Although when it's got 2 lbs of blackberries in it people begin to wonder what you're feeding your dog.

The rains have stopped. Rather a pleasant morning with Ziggy…

@Sabs100913 Who do you like your eggs?

What a relief that we got to those drowning doctors and scientists before the French.

Off to the Directors box at the Emirates to see if NFFC can get the shirts back they leant Arsenal in 1886. Or failing that 3 points.

@YardleyShooting Yes I remember it well, the doctor visited me when I was a child, my mum gave the house a good clean before he arrived.

Do you remember when doctors used to make house calls?

@Snips____ What no Coco pops? I reckon they're hidden out of shot.

I feel old when I see those nostalgia tweets and I realise I still own or use those items.

@BurnsideNotTosh It's a beautiful thing when the Brits show their support for the mentally challenged. 🥹🥹

"Then everyone cheered"

Are Five guys going to be forced to rebrand?

@Bee__witched Sounds like my wife.

Still failing to suck

Note to self, never offer to buy your wife a shopping trolley when she moans about carrying heavy shopping bags home from the shops. Every day is a learning day.😂

@MahyarTousi Yummy mummy

It’s a cult 😂

I suppose it's frowned upon to give ones wife housekeeping money🤔

@thesundaysport It was common practice for gangs of lads to spend their summer holidays searching for bush porn. We used to work hard for our porn back in the day.

Five minutes looking at this website and I realise I threw away the cash equivalent of a two-bedroomed house in Sandbach when I chucked my grot collection natashastopshelf.co.uk