Religiously-hilarious

@MrBeast #fingerontheapp2 Do we need to be in a battle when it starts? Or do we wait until it the timer hits 0, then battle?

Imagine Blackjack with Jack Black. @jackblack Open invitation to our place for Black Jack when this is over.

Tit-tosterone: The best oxymoron

My math teacher asked me about my sleep schedule. Oh, it’s imaginary. Irrational at best.

We always hear, “share your gifts with others”. Some of you have the gift of ass. Please, PLEASE, share your gift. Thank you.

Me: *finishes ranting about life* Therapist: Your life sucks. Have a cookie.

Trying out @theTunnelBear so I can browse privately from my ISP. tunnelbear.com/twitter

If Costco made a phone it would be the size of a car.

@tobyfox Could I get written permission to use pieces of the song “Hopes and Dreams” for a YouTube introduction please?

My brother had pancakes with strawberry syrup and he decided to make this comment: “Hey, I think my pancakes are undercooked. They are a bit pink in the middle.” I wanted to cry.

My brother: Guys, I’m a comedian. My shows are on Tuesdays and Thursdays Dad: I’ll be there in Mondays and Wednesdays.

The French got a lot of things wrong, but they got two things right: the kiss and the croissant.

Profile and banner pics cred to Mark Bond Photography. We all know I can’t take pics like those.