Richard James

My New Year's Resolution will be to stop ruining people's fun. Unrelated to that, please don't forget the clocks go back an hour tonight.

@NMackz @Tweet_Dec @girlonthenet What Witchcraft is this

@Tweet_Dec @girlonthenet @RichHAHAhard

@whoelsebutalf You bastard

Just got my test results back from the doctor and it turns out that I've got a bit of Irish blood in me. I'm Type O'positive.

I'm a bit behind the news as had a busy day, but I just think it's incredible that Charles Darwin's stolen notebooks got returned. Personally I'd hate people to see in my notebooks but it's great to see his ideas taking shape. Really fascinating. #Darwin #DarwinNotebook

With the news that microplastics are now being found in the human bloodstream, it is important to remember that when disposing of a body, an ethical killer should always put bodies in the mixed plastics bin. #Reduce #Reuse #Redrum

Serious question; with the current inflation, at what price for diesel fuel, would it become more economical to hire Vin Diesel to give me a piggy-back to work?

@IBLaughing @CharlieDinkin Thanks Ian (unless you are asking me to recommend someone)

News reporting due to inflation, Kit Kats and Condoms going up in price. Leading to the new marketing slogan, 'Have a Wank, don't have a Kit Kat.'

@JenksOliver @SammyBoyMichael Thanks bud, I'm ringing up my boss now.

@SammyBoyMichael @RichHAHAhard Both of you take the day off, you've earned it. (I've been laughing to myself for 25mins)

Got my first bird of prey in the year 2000. He was my Millenium Falcon #BadPuns

@anewthought @BenThurston The Think It's Owl Over

@RichHAHAhard @BenThurston Friday Night With Jonathan Albatross

@Ryanair 'Where we land them is another question'

We're not an airline but we do fly planes #Djokovic

@anewthought Kes 2000 AD

@RichHAHAhard This is the joke you build the Edinburgh show around. This one here.

@piefacefella Scream loudly at night and eat from the bins is a start.

@TomGloverComedy You're lucky. I was at a gig where you had to cup your hands for the toilet water.

Gone to a gym on a Sunday and it was totally empty for a while. Got to live my apocalyptic dream of being totally alone in a nuclear bunker that was built for more people, but they didn't make it. That's a normal dream right?!

@SarahBreese I accidentally sang the last part to the tune of 'that's amore'

@IBLaughing @calumofstewart Never gonna let that go are you