Rob Temple

My new book, A Very British Christmas, is out today! Your festive survival guide. Available at all the usual bookshops.

Someone even offered to send me some biscuits as payment. I had to tell them I don’t work for treats as I’m not a dog.

Email conversations I seem to have regularly: “Hi Rob, love your content, can you do some content for our business?” “Can do. How much are you paying?” “Oh… unfortunately we don’t currently have any budget”

I’ve got to stop reading the news as soon as I wake up. The first words I saw today were “doom loop.” This can’t be good for my health.

Whoever the man in the tracksuit is, he’s a hero. I hope he pulls through. Unbelievable bravery.

I used to have more money before smartphones, back when £50 wouldn’t suddenly leave my account because of an app I’d forgotten to unsubscribe from.

I don’t like to boast, but there’s not much I’m good at, so I just want to let you know… I actually find changing the oven clock very straightforward.

@Futurewor1d I guess it can be fiddly in some places, but this morning I asked for “a medium black coffee with some milk on the side” and the person behind the till said ok and then gave it to me. Some of the sitcoms I see I swear the comedians are just making the issues up in their heads.

@RobTemple101 It’s not confusing, it is however an annoying pretension and there should be a space for a coffee shop for people who want brown stuff in a cup and can’t be arsed with the ritual. Went to one place and they won’t give out sugar unless you had tasted it first!

Why does every single comedian these days have to do a “oh it’s so complicated ordering coffee!!” sketch. It’s really not that confusing.

Happy UK publication day to the lovely @RobTemple101! 🥳Today A VERY BRITISH CHRISTMAS publishes in hardback and VERY BRITISH PROBLEMS CHRISTMAS QUIZ BOOK is out in paperback!🎄@SoVeryBritish

I was just in the queue in a small local shop when a lady burst through the door and shouted towards the till - from the doorway! - “SORRY, DO YOU SELL VICTORIA SPONGE CAKE?!” The cashier replied, “No.” The lady yelled, “THEY DON’T SELL IT!” back to someone waiting outside, then dashed out of the door as quickly as she came. I’ve never witnessed a more British emergency.

I got in a lift today on the fourth floor. An elderly gentleman was already in there by the buttons, the ground floor button already pressed. ‘All aboard,’ he said as I stepped in, then asked, ‘Where to, sir?’ I replied, ‘Two, please.’ He pressed the two button and said, ‘Good choice.’ It was all quite silly, but it made me smile. I’d like to be a bit more like that sometimes.

Middle-aged comedians seem to get in so many pickles when it comes to ordering coffee in coffee shops.

New book! mailchi.mp/atlantic-books…

I went to bed last night thinking “I'm going to have a jacket potato tomorrow” and when I woke up this morning my first thought was, “I'm excited about that jacket potato I planned to have today.”

Things you say when you get stuck talking to someone you don’t know at a wedding when you’re really bad at small talk: “So where you staying? Near here, or…?” (Why do you need to know this?) “You got here alright then?” (You ask this to tee up an anecdote about how you had “a nightmare” this morning, like briefly not being able to find your tie.) “You just down for the weekend then?” (A strange question.) “So, do you know them from school, or…?” (They’ll say, “We used to work together,” and you’ll look pleasantly surprised and say, “Oh, cool,” for some reason.) “I like your hat. Where did you buy it?” (You have no interest in the hat.) “So, did you drive up this morning?” (Again, why do you need to know this?) “What car do you drive?” or the weirdly phrased “what are you driving these days?” (Are you four years old?) “Ah, OK, so you would’ve gone up the M4 and turned off at junction…” (Why are you describing their route back to them? Are you a sat-nav?) “Been to many weddings?” (Another strange question.) “So, what do you do for work? Oh, right… enjoy it?” (You’ll then say what you do for work and claim it’s boring and rubbish, even if you quite enjoy it.) “I thought the ceremony was really good.” (You thought it was very boring and kept having to be nudged awake by your partner.) “Were you on the stag/hen-do?” (You were on it, so you know they weren’t, so why are you asking?) “Are you married?” (Who cares?) “The band are good. Do you… play any instruments?” (What on earth have you asked that for?) “Tell you what, I bet this all cost a fortune, don’t you think?” (You just really want a chance to say “everything’s just so expensive these days”) “So, you getting a taxi later, or…?” (You’re just so bizarrely invested in their travel arrangements.) “Have you tried the buffet yet?” (They’ll say yes. You’ll say you have too, then, after some silence, you’ll say, “I might have another go at it, actually. Catch up with you later,” and you’ll wander off to get a plate, even though you’re not hungry.)

Many alcoholics are often very knowledgable about sobriety, more so than the average person, and manage to achieve it long term - so a rather strange analogy to use.

When insta CEOs tell us they wake up at 4am and have all their daily tasks done by 8am - and those tasks mainly involve ice baths, journaling, and meditation - all they’re really telling us is they’re not very busy.

You knew you were dealing with a cool character when you saw they were fully lower case 😎

Weird to think all those people who typed their tweets with strictly no capital letters are middle-aged now.