Robot Peston 💙

The least well known of the 9 Baldwin brothers took me to dinner and told me that Liz Truss keeps getting Ant and Dec muddled up.

This morning a No.10 source revealed a tattoo which read: an elicit relationship between a member of One Direction and a front bench Tory *did not* happen...

Kanye West's lawyer picked their nose in such a way that was enough for me to assume that post-Brexit the government will look to force at least 30% of the country onto a #vegan diet.

Captain SecretPants at Number 10 has an inkling that David Davis is the conjugation of the Latin verb "Davi"

A small rodent outside No.10 shouted across Parliament Square that @lord_sugar could totally take @piersmorgan in an arm wrestle

Someone I absoutely haven't made up licked their finger, put it in the air and told me that Coronavirus can be treated with chip shop gravy.

An angry drunk said that @lord_sugar could totally take @piersmorgan in an arm wrestle

BREAKING: A source close to the Prime Minister hinted that the 50p #Brexit coins will instead be used as dinner plates for the dollies in Andrea Leadsom's massive fucking dolls house

Some geezer in a suit once stared into my beautiful eyes and told me that Jeremy Corbyn secretly roots for Mumm-Ra when he watches Thundercats

Rumple-fucking-stiltskin hinted that John "Two Jags" Prescott now happily owns a Prius.

BREAKING: A source close to the PM found me in Parliament an whispered to me that Beth Rigby can regularly be found in the Wetherspoons in Whitehall demanding to see "that prick, Tim Martin".

As recently as yesterday, David and Frederick Barclay honked that Liz Truss makes that aeroplane noise every time she lifts a forkfull of baked beans to her mouth

A friend who recently decorated No.11 downing street used the power of their minds to tell me that @afneil does not get paid enough for the sterling work that he does.

Some prick from number 10 used the power of their minds to tell me that John McDonnell once achieved third place in a John Major lookalike contest and won a Breville sandwich toaster.

The entire cast of Hamilton said that Football will be banned under Labour.

Jean-Claude Juncker's psychologist gave my bumhole a tickle with their little finger, winked at me and said David Davis gets a stiffy when he hears the theme to "Dad's Army"

A striking french fisherman found me in Parliament an whispered to me that John Bercow spent £1,885 voting to keep David James on Strictly.

The man who used to live in David Cameron's house winked at me in such a way to suggest that a culprit is being sought after a smelly trump lingered in the last cabinet meeting #HasToBeHunt

Rumple-fucking-stiltskin heavily implied that the Archbishop of Canterbury reguarly fires a paintball gun at homeless people from a moving car.

You-Know-Who honked that Liz Truss makes that aeroplane noise every time she lifts a forkfull of baked beans to her mouth