Wayne Rooney's Diary

i just kicked the ball and it went in the net im glad i remembered how to play football again

i kicked the ball from the penalty spot and it went in then i passed to lingard and he scored that was a good half

i see madrid have sacked rafa i got sacked once i got caught eating chips on the late shift at mcdonalds

scored a goal lol

so pleased to make my 500th man united appearance today to celebrate i ate 500 jammy dodgers last night

fuck this i cant watch

not injured just have a bob the builder box set to get through this weekend and dont want to be disturbed

daniel sturridge might have scored more goals than me this season but can he eat 5 crackers in 1 minute? no? i can

coleen has just been shouting at me ive eaten all my advent calendar chocolates and its only 2nd december im hiding in the kitchen

van gaal said he is proud of me for making it past the half way line twice tonight im well happy with that

i once scored in 11 consecutive matches then coleen turned my playstation off and told me to tidy up

just said hello to jamie vardy in the tunnel he said wayne you chat shit im gonna bang you i said oh

me: coleen why is today black friday is it cos its very dark? coleen: no wayne me: is it cos its jack blacks birthday? coleen: no wayne

dont get the john lewis advert surely that man sat on the moon would float away?

my mind kept wandering tonight when lance armstrong landed on the moon why didnt he taken his bike? confused

i actually fell asleep for about 30 minutes in that second half i dont think anyone noticed though

louis van gaal was nice today he held my hand so i didnt slip in the car park

watching sponge bob square pants its my favourite programme i wish i lived in a pineapple under the sea

helping my son with his homework he has to learn pie theory for maths or something so far we've had steak pie and pork pie yum

just spilled my tea all over me laughing at man city