Rory Rusch

Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only- *sneezes blood* A six

I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.

I came here to chew bubblegum and kick ass… AND IM NOT GAY

Roses are red, violets are blue, could I just like maybe borrow 20 bucks or something?

*drenched in sweat* I’m here to jerk off on the train and chew bubble gum. And I’m all out of jerking off on the train. Could I have a piece of gum please?

Don’t you hate it when you sit on the urinal and it’s still warm from the last person?

I describe my bank account as, “I’ll have a water”

I wanna get two cats and name them 9 and 11. But say it’s from stranger things.

My name is Rory but my therapist calls me “are you a danger to yourself right now” She said it the first time we met and it just kind of stuck?

*sitting at a bus stop seeing an Uber full of people laughing* “ugh, the luxuries of the 1 percent…”

Has there been a porn parody where remy from ratatouille pulls on his pubes to make him have sex real good?

The craziest part about billionaires is they waste their money on stupid shit like oppressing the poor

*hiking on a trail during a beautiful day* “This isn’t like the inside of a bar at all?!”

I’d love to hang but I have some fucking my own ass to do. (Financially, emotionally, and most importantly, physically)

When it comes to my finances I’m not very liquid. I know that because I had to google what liquid was, on someone else phone.

A lot of my rich friends have a lot of money in stocks and bitcoin. At the moment most of my money is tied up in food stamps.

There isn’t a funnier response to anything ever said, no matter what it is. “OH YEAH?!!?

Living paycheck to paycheck is being the absolute richest man alive for a week and being the poorest person ever the second week.

If you knock on a stall door in a public bathroom I think you should be forced to kill your self in front of your loved ones.

Defense attorney: “listen… people die everyday. You could die in 40 years of cancer… You could get hit by car tomorrow…. You could die by my client’s hand… What’s the difference?”