Accidental SAHM

Parenthood is the maddening tension between counting the minutes until bedtime and wanting to freeze time forever

My brain: Tell me your wildest fantasies, because we’re about to dream! My dream: There’s a @Chopt my office building!?!

6: What do you want for Christmas, Dad? Husband: Peace and quiet 6: No, Dad, what do you ACTUALLY want?!

If you haven’t been locked in a bedroom by your 3-year-old at 7am, are you even a parent?

I just volunteered in the preschool where both my kids went for the last time ever. It felt like these toddler years would last forever but suddenly they are just over 💔

Me while my husband tries to explain nuclear physics as our kids yell and fight around us:

As I put shoes on my 6-year-old this morning, I wondered: Could she run away fast from a shooter in these if she had to? This is the reality of parenting in America. This is not OK.

Me: Let me dig around for some snacks. 3: Did you say dig?? <Immediately runs outside>

“Mommy, you have a big fat tummy!” 3-year-olds are fun.

Tell me that isn’t wine in my 6-year-old’s self-portrait from school…

Why do kids wake you up to tell you they’re sleepy

6, listening to @MileyCyrus on the way to school: “Hey, it really is a party in the USA today! It’s my best friend’s birthday!”

If my toddler wakes me up to tell me he’s sleepy one more time I’m going to lose my shit

Me: trying to get both kids out of the house by 8am Husband: now seems like a good time to change the sheets I’ve been ignoring for six weeks

Is the 3-year sleep regression the last one? Please tell me it’s the last one.

My 3-year-old’s ability to eat while pooping is equal parts impressive and disgusting

Why is “increased anxiety” a symptom of every medical condition that someone who already has increased anxiety would be Googling. That’s just mean.

6: Why did they take a boat to get there? Me: Planes weren’t invented yet. 6: You mean like back in the ‘90s?

Me: Today we need to finish buying xmas gifts, plan holiday food, and book our spring break trip Husband: Now seems like a good time to go through that closet I haven’t opened in 5 years

Husband: Your hair looks nice Me: Thanks. I haven’t washed it for 8 days

When you realize you’re in a power struggle with your 2-year-old and there’s no way out: