Sam Reid

SCIENCE: This is true. HALF OF AMERICA: No.

And now, my moment of zen: Bill Tull using Triumph the Insult Comic Dog to fuck the Wall Street bull

Like everyone else lucky enough to know and work with Bill Tull, I can't even begin to say how much I loved him and how grateful I'll always be to him for countless reasons. Such a wonderful guy who truly did always deliver the impossible. Rest In Peace, Bill.

Normalize giving me a little pat on the head and saying I’m doing a good job

Sometimes people ask, "What if Jesus had been aborted?" That's pretty simple. Mary would have died. The medical technology just wasn't there.

I'm not desperate for approval but can I have it

If I could have one superpower it would be mind control. Not to control anyone else’s mind, just my own

@KellyDiamond_ Based on my twitter feed this is the only thing happening in the world

@SamReidSays subtweet me to hell sam, drag my ass

One of my main takeaways from The Sopranos is that Honeycomb is a good cereal that deserves to be in the rotation

Wondering if maybe it should be less expensive to not die

TUMS, but for your emotions

At what age should I start learning a marketable skill

@TommyMcNam Tommy thank you for allowing me to see this live, please tackle somebody, it's the new year

In case you’re looking for a New Years Anthem for Friday here’s one I wrote called “I Don’t Want a Kiss at Midnight, I Want to Drink a Beer”

FREUD: Behold, my life's work. FREUD'S PARENTS: You sick fuck.

I have a hankering for a spankering is this an okay thing to tweet

Do you guys think that Scorsese guy ever saw The Godfather

After asking someone out, it's important to add a little personal touch by saying something like, "I really need this."

Norm forever youtu.be/lL0WayC7jW0

I end all my emails by saying "Take care" because it sounds like a veiled threat

@NYCTSubway Any update or estimate as to when manhattan bound L train will resume service? Been stuck at the Halsey L stop for a long while Thank you!

8 Av-bound L trains are delayed while we work to correct a switch problem at Myrtle-Wyckoff Avs.

IDIOT: Why would you want a drug sniffing dog? ME, A GENIUS: I love dogs and drugs