Scott Disick

I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.

I think there's finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.

Dear sidewalk, Please get wider... Sincerely, third friend walking behind feeling excluded...

I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it because it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.

Rumors. Well at least you're spreading something else besides your legs.

Whoever '"Shawty" is, she apparently has a lot of rapper boyfriends.

So tired of girls complaining that there are no good guys left. Hello?? They’re where you left them, IN THE FRIEND ZONE!

Monorails make for good one-liners.

I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching...my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.

God loves me even when I don't forward those chain letters.

Everything is made in China. Except for babies. They are made in VaChina.

168 McDonald's monopoly pieces later, and all I won was heart disease.

Face down, a** up, that's the way we............ tie our shoes!

Some people are just like trees, they take forever to grow up

Buy a ship. Name it relation. Go inside and sit in it. You are in a relationship.

Siri's on her period. She needs an iPad.

Getting into a relationship may be tempting but so was getting on the titanic ship and look what happened there.