The Office Quotes

BOOM! ROASTED.

Michael: It feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears. And, at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer. And then, a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone..

3 day work week

Kelly: Um, so you're in the tub with everything? Jan: Oh, yeah, the afterbirth floats, yeah. Creed: Must be like the tide at Omaha Beach. Jan: Oh no, it's actually really hygienic, Creed.

Creed: Oh, I steal things all the time. It's just something I do. I stopped caring a long time ago. You should see how many supplies I've taken from this place. Honestly, I love stealing things.

Michael: Kevin, big man, big man, what are you doing tonight? Where are you off to? Kevin: My brother is in town and we are going to see the Alaska Film Festival at the Scien- Michael: Ok, alright.

Michael: I’m starting my own paper company. Andy: No way!? Michael: Yeah. Andy: In this climate? Michael: Yeah. In all climates. It’s going to be worldwide.

Kevin: Wait, soy ice cream? Did you get real ice cream?
Pam: Or enough for everyone?
Luke: No, man. There was no list. Uh, but I got bagel chips.
Oscar: Ah, my favorite part of an ice cream party. The bagel chips.
Andy: Clutch cream run, bro.

Pam: Hey, Darryl, listen, it's none of my business, but if I couldn't have Cece for Christmas, I'd be really upset too. Andy: I don't have kids or anything, but if my grandmother ever dies, I'm going to kill myself.

Creed: Two eyes, two ears, a chin, a mouth, ten fingers, two nipples. A butt, two kneecaps, a penis. I have just described to you the Loch Ness Monster. And the reward for its capture? All the riches in Scotland. So I have one question: Why are you here?

Dwight: He's lying. Toby: He has a doctor's note. Dwight: From who, Dr. J? You really need to investigate this. People don’t just fall off ladders.

Michael: Phyllis and Bob. Their celebrity couple name would be Phlob. You look at her... and she's kind of matronly today, but back in High School, I swear, her nickname was 'Easy Rider'.

Stanley: Dwight, why is the toilet paper only half a ply?
Dwight: Well, I'm sorry, isn't that good enough for your anus? Don't get me started on how coddled the modern anus is.

Rehab Nurse: Can I help you? Michael: I have a deposit. Alcoholic.

Michael: You know what I should have been doing? I should have been out at bars finding my soulmate, finding my wife, making babies. Dwight: Nice babies you're making with the floozies at the bars! Michael: That's my wife you're talking about, man!

Kevin: Oooo, now do the Swedish chef. Andy: Uh, not familiar, what province is he from? Kevin: He lives on Sesame Street, dumbass.

Michael: Hey, would you guys ever do a triathlon, do you think? Pam: Maybe. Michael: Helene? Helene: Oh, oh no. I don't think so. Michael: I am. I'm definitely going to do it. I've already got the run and the bike thing down. Just need to learn how to swim.

Dwight: Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So, Jim is actually my friend. But... because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy. So, actually Jim is my enemy. But-

Dwight: He's lying. Toby: He has a doctor's note. Dwight: From who, Dr. J? You really need to investigate this. People don’t just fall off ladders.

Michael: If I could leave you with one thought, remember… it wasn’t me. They’re trying to make me an escape goat. If I am fired, I swear to God, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word. You have one day.

Uncle Al: Nobody ever helped me. I had to do it myself. Even the doctor didn’t know! Michael: Dude, keep it together. I listened to you for half an hour even though most of that stuff went right over my head.