Mind Scribe

Why does no one get excited about "dinner for breakfast"? If you want to eat pancakes for dinner you've gotta eat pizza for breakfast

just ordered a burger and milkshake for delivery cause I wanna make sure the Trump Internment Force™ has to take me from my house in a crane

Why did the marble countertop walk out on the kitchen? The kitchen took it for granite. #jokes

When someone’s mean to me, I start pounding their stomach yelling, I know you’re there inside your evil twin, I’ll help you!!

Well on the only bright side, SNL will have a steady flow of quality parody material over the next 4 years #Election2016

Why does everyone take the Easter Island heads so seriously? Because of their stone faced demeanor, obviously. #jokes

Why did the small-college football players fail the math test? Their division wasn't good...

Does saying "real people, not actors" means that actors aren't people? If so, I blame car commercials for giving actors a god complex.

*Looking at a baby's #Halloween costume My mom: Aw, does that remind you of your childhood? Me: No, I don't remember my childhood as a baby

No longer will the president be manning the desk in the Oval Office... @HillaryClinton will be WOMANNING it. #election #ImSoFunny

Why were they afraid the stripper would rig the election? Because he really knows how to work the polls. #govote

I'm convinced the first base umpire is Cam's dad (Cam from Modern Family) #Cubs #Indians #WorldSeries

Chuck Norris can drink ice water through his front teeth. #chucknorrisjokes

Going Inauguration Day shopping!! A bottle of champagne and a Canadian flag, just in case he wins and I have to move #inaugurationday2016

“Didn’t most mummies usually die of old age?” @beccayeager1 Man, and to think you’ve already died once. #happyhalloween

What's a celiac's least favorite term of endearment? Swheatie #jokes #celiac

I got rid of my cat so no one can eat me when I die. @beccayeager1

When I'm campaigning as a bipartisan political candidate I'll rock a blue trailer Blue for the #Democrats and a trailer for the #Republicans

I never realized how important it was to be hot vs cute till I contemplated a guy eating a hot dog and a guy eating a cute dog #food4thought

I'm fasting for some labwork & the lab gave me a restaurant buzzer to hold in a waiting room that smells like pizza. I think I hate them.