Sean Becker

DRUG DEALER: You a cop? COP: Nah I ain't a cop DRUG DEALER: Then how come your dialogue in this tweet is labeled "cop"? COP: Ah fuck

really just trying to live my life in a way that gets me a Wikipedia photo like Morton Downey’s

[thanksgiving dinner where Eddie Murphy is playing all of my family members] ME (sobbing): please just tell me what you did to them

a psychic in Brooklyn told me I was going to “go to the Grand Canyon with a woman named Angie from San Francisco this year” and I gotta say that’s a big swing on a guy who knows 0 Angies and it’s already August

GENIE (sighing): you have one left, please don’t wish for anything weird ME (standing with six Art Garfunkels): okay so you know the band Simon and Garfunkel?

[I’ve traveled back in time to 1720] JOHANN SEBASTIAN BACH: do they still play the harpsichord in the future? ME: only Vampire Weekend sometimes JS BACH: Vampire We- ME: do you want to try texting and driving?

FRIEND: you know the Muffin Man? ME: yeah he lives on Drury Lane. FRIEND: how do you know that? ME (showing him google results on my phone): he’s a registered sex offender

[wine tasting in new orleans] ME (Cajun accent): I’m gettin’ hints of gator and…king cake?

[first date] HER: well, I’m still hung up on my ex from college. Do you have any baggage? ME: it has recently come to my attention that I have been under a voodoo curse due to my actions in early 2015

[flirting in the year 1600] HER: so what type of music do you like? ME: all of it, there’s only like 8 songs

@BringDaNoyz the gritted through teeth complement is my favorite

[scooby doo] FRED: an abandoned amusement park, should we stop gang? SCOOBY: ruh roh DENNIS FARINA: there’s no goddamned seatbelts in this friggin’ van

ROOMMATE: hey man did you go into my room and touch The Forbidden Ankh? ME (floating and covered in glowing hieroglyphics): …no?

[Hitler is using a Time Machine to come forward in time and kill me] HITLER (w/ gun): Prepare to die! ME (muttering): this isn’t how it’s supposed to work

me (drunk with a gun): fuck you, muppet yoda (also drunk with a gun): first rodeo, this ain’t my

(You need to know the Herman Melville story Bartleby the Scrivener and ESPN commentator Stephen A Smith for this joke)

STEPHEN A SMITH: LeBron is my #1 of all-time. No disrespect to the legends, but when it comes to scriveners, Bartleby is a close #2

ME: what’s that big wrench for? COLONEL MUSTARD: dinner party

I will just repost this with a country you don’t know from Formula 1 if you all keep this up

THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?