David Ramirez

My 6-month-old son screamed for 3 hours, puked on my suit twice, napped for two hours, and is back at it with a vengeance…. I haven’t blinked since 7AM.

The moment you put the toilet seat cover down in a public restroom to sit down…then the automatic flushing toilet flushes it down before you can actually sit…

@JollofBallers Ooooooh you meant soccer, gotcha

Your brain will freeze trying this 😅

Just burned 300 calories…forgot my pizza in the oven

@cemburuya It isn’t just necessary…it’s America

Is this necessary?

@tina_2x I pay for Prime, I pay for WiFi, I pay for the TV, and now I gotta pay again to watch Face/Off for the 17th time? I get it’s licensing or whatever—but damn, just lie to me better.

@ppyowna I’d ask “Would YOU leave if your boss stopped paying you in cash and started paying you in hugs?” Then I’d wink, compliment his tie, and ask if this position comes with dental or just spiritual growth.

@tookiekoo Caffeine doesn’t wake me up anymore. It just whispers comforting lies while I spiral into a soft, jittery coma

One of them just asked if they can have syrup... in a cup.

Just wrapped a 60-hour week where my shifts made less sense than a Christopher Nolan timeline. Wife’s off to work, and now I’m on solo duty with two tiny chaos agents who think ‘breakfast’ is a full-contact sport. Pray for me.

@GamewithDave Used to drop 30 kills a night. Now I’m lucky if I get 10 minutes uninterrupted. Last time I turned on the PS5, my kid put applesauce in the disc slot. Still gaming… just on hard mode. 🧃🎮🍼

To any gamers whose birth year starts with 19 still gaming👏🏻

@peegirl184 Buddy they don’t get those jobs, they materialize into them like Pokémon evolutions. One day they’re ‘working on a project,’ next thing you know they’re at a rooftop bar at 2PM on a Tuesday with microsoft word open and 0 remorse. Whole economy running on vibes and unread emails

how do i get one of them fake corporate jobs where i work remotely and get paid for responding to one email a day and having a laptop on with outlook or whatever open

@our_decay Running doesn’t get easier. You just lose the part of your brain that fears death and gain a new one that enjoys arguing with your knees. By week 3 you’re waving at squirrels like they’re training partners

Does running actually get easier if you do it a lot or is it that you just get more masochistic

@jihadiadlay Heard two women in the break room debating lab-grown vs natural diamonds like the fate of the Vatican depends on it. One of them brought up ‘diamond vibes’ and I think the other one started crying?? I just wanted a granola bar. Why do they care this much??

@sehahaj Black coffee isn’t for taste. It’s for staring down the barrel of a Monday morning like it owes you money.

just tried black coffee no sugar no milk and i'm sure whoever claims to enjoy this is either lying about liking it or lying about having a soul

@Fact An ice cold beer

Fill in the blank: My go-to comfort food will always be ________.

@PNW_working_mom My condolences to your dog. I’ll be over here celebrating the birth of a nation with explosives, beer, and grilled meat🍻

@Sloppy_McNuts They’re all #1 because if you say #2 on your book cover, the ghostwriter legally gets to slap you.

@hopes_revenge Wife slept 13 hours, took a nap, and just told me she’s still ‘running low.’ I think she might be a Tesla. I don’t know if she’s updating her software or if I should call a doctor.

gf slept like 13 hours last night and now she’s taking a 4:30 nap? women are so mysterious . Or maybe she has a disease

To anyone that overheard our conversation, no I didn’t give her a bite of my churro because she doesn’t like strawberry and yes I offered anyway 🤨