CantWaitToNap…

Which one of you fuckers taped over my vhs copy of the “Who’s the Boss?” series finale?

Still can’t find the Go Fish table at this casino.

Think my neighbors are having some sort of wind chime war.

You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.

Nudes from Europe are simply more tasteful.

Vacation coming up and I’m as excited as JD Vance with an 8 ball in a Pottery Barn.

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.

Seven wives and no alcohol? No thanks Mormons.

I did say I would never stop loving you, but that was before you made forever feel like a life sentence.

Legend says that if Sam Elliot shaves off his mustache, he becomes a mere mortal.

I exercise for two reasons. 1. I'm vain. 2. I have got to live long enough to see everything the CIA has on JFK declassified.

"I can do that!" Me, everytime I watch the Olympics.

A rabid raccoon might be imposing but have you ever encountered an angry beaver?

Find yourself someone who makes your bad days good and your good days better.

My 23andMe results came back and it turns out I’m 15% Irish, 15% Italian and 70% Dickish