Michelle Azevedo

If you can read this, I’m your new stepdad

@gracejarvisohno This tweet really never got what it deserved.

Maybe Aries aren't high-strung because of Astrology, maybe it's because we were all conceived during tax season as the result of a frantic stress-hump and that kind of thing will make you come out nervous.

If I ever get rich people are going to be like “Oh now that she’s rich she just says in her house and doesn’t want to talk to anybody, what a Scrooge” so I’d like to clarify in advance that I am just like this.

Call me old fashioned but I believe REAL marriage is between a DOG and a CAT sorry people 👋

I’m hyperactive and 5’2, they call me an animated short

I like to give off roughly the same energy as a raccoon being hastily chased off the porch with a broom

“Quirky” LinkedIn profiles are so soul-crushing that making one actually creates a horcrux, a warning that should definitely be reflected in their terms of use

Kind of want to name my kids Hattie and Beatrice but don’t want anyone to assume I’m pro-regency. Is there a way to pull off this delicate balance?

Managing to drink exactly enough to enjoy the Skinwalker Ranch documentary is a skill that deserves to be on my resume

@freddie_mcmanus This one’s my favourite

People have said they get lost in my eyes, but describe it as an ordeal. Trapped in my muddy bog of a gaze, shooting up flares to alert a passing helicopter

Okay but hear me out... Am I mentally ill, or just a CLASSIC Aries?

Imagine putting one of these into the cupboard from Indian In The Cupboard

You either die a beloved side character, or live long enough to see yourself become a spin-off.

I say we bite the bullet and officially reclassify clothes pegs as fruit, considering there have been at least a couple in the fruit bowl of every house I have lived in

@erinmichellebrb These are my daughters, Pancetta and Kalamata” honestly sounds like a perfectly acceptable statement in my head

I am not ready for children and still very much at pet owner level because I had to remind myself this morning that Pancake is not an acceptable name for a daughter

@PeteMopsicle Well, I was about to have a good morning. But here we are.

The saddest thing in the world is eating at a Hard Rock Cafe by yourself. I know, because I checked.

You just know Amélie had a fucked credit score

You were so preoccupied with whether you Ameri-could, you never stopped to ask yourselves if you Ameri-should