J.D.

If you stick your ass out of the covers to rip a fart protecting your wife from a Dutch oven, you are a true gentleman.

As I child I dreamed of becoming a world famous xylophonist and fucking groupies on all 7 continents. But life got in the way.

Ever want to physically assault someone simply because they were eating something crunchy right next to you?

Do thrift stores sell women's lingerie?

Anyone know where I can buy women’s jeans that have the ass in the front and the back? My sister wants a new pair for her birthday.

Getting a blow job from your wife on Mother’s Day is Jedi level pimp shit.

I've never met a young girl named Peggy. It's like they just spawn here on earth at the age of 55.

I wonder if "morning wood" is called something different in Europe?

All the chicks I dated in high school were defensive linemen on the powder puff team. #BBW

I wonder if the pope has ever farted and blamed it on one of the dudes in the red hats?

Girls who speak with a lisp always fuck on the first date. #fact

Anyone else remember seeing those scumbags who had the longest fingernails in the world inside the pages of the Guinness Book of World records back in the day?

Anyone else have a dream that something crazy is going on in front of you but for some reason you can figure out how to your camera to work? Or am I the only asshole

I had a dream last night that @britneyspears and I were throwing boomerangs at midgets. Could someone please analyze this.

Wonder how many hot chicks Jerry Garcia banged? #ThinkingOutLoud

Im thinking about hosting a butch lesbian arm wrestling tournament in my back yard this summer.

Sometimes it's just more enjoyable to eat a well made peanut and jelly sandwich rather than fucking your wife of 30 years.

@TMZ He needs to meet up with that dude from Toy Story 2 who painted over Andy’s name on his boot to get that touched up.

😭 Woody sports a bald spot in Pixar's newest "Toy Story 5" trailer. Watch here: tmz.me/1Ztn53M

If for some reason you don’t like Dolly Parton it’s safe to say you’re an asshole.

@elonmusk You got that $20 you owe me?