Ben Kuerschner

When life gives you demons, make demonade.

I've seen so many activists say "It's not antisemitic to..." I thought it was a new pumpkin spice drink at Starbucks.

LA Improvisers will say "yes, and" to everything except "free the hostages."

Every time I get mad at white people, I think of the time Sean Connery said "You're the man now, dog" and remind myself - they're idiots.

White Progressives blather on about Israel/Palestine so much, you'd think it was The Wire.

The aim of antisemites is not to identify things they hate about Jews, and convince you to hate them too. The aim is to identify what you already hate, and then convince you it's the Jews' fault.

"Hello, I'd like to report a crime. The movie Nightmare Before Christmas turned 30 this year. In fact, can we update that to a hate crime?"

Rolling Stone magazine has stuck around despite not being relevant or helpful for so many decades that I'm surprised it's not in the Senate.

Every baby boomer's story begins "I just walked into some guy's office and said can I have a job, and he said sure. And now I'm the CEO of Burger King."

After 27 years, a man has been charged with the killing of Tupac Shakur, making this the fastest solved murder of a black man in American history.

Yeah, the studios have lost money during the strikes, but at least they got paid in experience.

Anyone else currently spending 3/4 of their life entering, forgetting, recreating, and updating passwords for very stupid things? Why do I need capital letters, special characters, and numbers to log into a recipe website?

"Don't take that shortcut home!" "Why, is it a dangerous alley?" "Worse - bowling alley"

You either die the hero or live long enough to become a United States Senator.

Every Jewish social event is like, "we're partying all night long! But, if some of you want to leave early to go make more Jews, we don't mind 😉"

Let's stick together today, people. There's no I in hurricane.

Bout to drop my new novel "The Jew Who Ate Eggs: A Cautionary Tale"

I've met your kids. If any gay person was actually grooming them they'd be way cooler and much less ugly.

Raise your hand if you're in your thirties and still feel weird calling the parents of your friends by their first name.

I think it's so cute how you all think your opinions on Star Wars matter.

When you're an assistant, life is what happens when you're busy making other people's plans.