The Perfect Spiral

What if, instead of continuing to be a sports fan, I just pulled out all my fingernails with a pair of snub nosed pliers?

Tony Romo: broken clavicle. Dez Bryant: horrific foot surgery. Brandon Weeden's backup: a phantom series of ghost whispers. Go Cowboys.

If Saul Goodman has to manage a Cinnabon for his wrongdoings, then Roger Goodell should be forced to sell churros beneath an overpass.

The Mavericks signing of JaVale McGee is a publicity stunt, right? He's not gonna, like...play, is he? WAIT, IS HE!?

@BillSimmons we'd be honored if you'd check out our latest installment of The Perfect Spiral. It's like Weekend Update but for sports!

Episode IV: A New Hope youtube.com/watch?v=7hp6ME… #yes

The Perfect Spiral Episode IV: A New Hope: youtu.be/7hp6MEzWCLU?a via @YouTube

Here it is! Episode 3! Check it out: youtu.be/txveDzLc9YE #sports #comedy #sportscomedy #twitter #blam

Shin-Soo Choo hit for the cycle tonight, but that won't stop my father from mispronouncing his name. #asianrangers

The 76ers 7 year rebuilding plan is going great. I'm sure that most of the assets they're stock piling totally won't be dead by then.

I only contemplated suicide once or twice during yesterday's sports blackout. Whew. Now, let's all get back to neglecting our kids.

In spite of not having worn a stache in 30 years, Ned Yost always looks like a guy who JUST shaved his mustache. Eh?

These Home Run Derby pitchers are TERRIBLE.

Episode 2! : youtube.com/watch?v=HmaU_Q…