SpookyZombae 🩵@SpookyZombae
TRIGGER WARNING: Self-Harm, Mental Health, Suicidal Ideations.
I am going to be taking a break from Twitter and Twitch for a little while. Recently, someone I considered a friend said some extremely hurtful and harmful things to me and made false accusations. I need some time and space to process everything.
I also feel that there are some things I need to clarify.
If I don't watch your streams, leave your Discord server, or choose not to join, it is never personal. I promise. I struggle a lot with keeping up with people, and I tend to keep to myself.
I don't often reach out first because, truthfully, I frequently feel like a burden. Like I am not worth someone else's time or energy.
I live with significant mental health challenges, and they are the reason I am disabled. I am not physically capable of maintaining a traditional job because of how deeply my conditions affect my daily life.
I usually keep these things private, but I feel some context is necessary. There is a lot happening in my personal life and at home, and many of those situations are beyond my control. Between those struggles and other daily stressors, I have been considering returning to therapy, as I have recently been struggling again with thoughts of self-harm and suicide.
Only my partner and my sister knew the extent of this until now. I wanted to keep it within my closest circle. However, after being called a "conniving manipulative bitch," being labeled a whore, and being told that I "Treat all of my woman friends badly," simply because someone felt I wasn't supportive enough of their streaming journey and because I left their server, I feel the need to speak openly.
I never want anyone to think I am unsupportive just because I am not always visibly present. I care deeply about my friends and their success. I am cheering for you, even when I am quiet.
I have spoken before about the severe bullying I experienced growing up, and it has left lasting effects on my confidence and ability to connect with others.
I am diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder, Persistent Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, Agoraphobia, PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and other trauma-related conditions.
I constantly battle thoughts that I am not good enough, that I am a burden, and that people would be better off without me. That is often why I seem distant.
I struggle greatly with reaching out, even to people I genuinely want to be closer to. Usually how I do this, I give access to private voice chats in my discord to people I want to be friends with, or that I consider a friend. I give this access in hopes that if they see me in my channel that they will join. This is easier for me especially when my depression is at its worst. I know that may not always be the healthiest approach, or even effective at all, but reaching out to others is something I struggle with and I am trying to work on.
There are also a few things I need to address directly, as I am scared this person is going to make false claims about me, my partner and my friends.
1. My boyfriend does not hit me, and he has NOT ONCE ever laid a finger on me. He has never raised his voice at me. He is one of the gentlest people I know, and he would NEVER EVER harm me. He is the only person who knows how to care for me, aside from my family. He takes great care of me by providing for the both of us along with our cats. He covers all the bills, while I do my best to take care of our home.
2. The fact that many of my closest friends are men does not mean I am seeking "gratification" or "attention." I value friendships regardless of gender. I would love more female friends as well, but the gender of my friends does not define who I am. And essentially calling me a whore just because I have male friends is extremely hurtful.
3. Telling me to "get a real job" was incredibly cruel, especially knowing my disability. If I were capable of working a traditional job, I would. The reality is that forcing myself into that situation would cause relapse in my progress. And to put it bluntly, I am certain I would hurt myself. I am open about this to all my friends who are close to me. They often hear me cry about wishing I was normal enough to work an actual job. I miss being able to work. Not having a proper job is a big insecurity of mine as well. And I often feel lesser of a person because I can't work. I feel useless. I feel like I could never be good enough, that I am a burden to my partner, to my family.
4. If we have a disagreement and resolve it, please do not pretend everything is fine while secretly holding onto resentment. Being blindsided later is deeply painful, and it is something I cannot handle well.
5. If I don't reach out often, it does not mean I don't care or that I don't value your friendship. If I miss your stream, it's most likely a combination of my terrible sleeping schedule along with simply not browsing Twitch. I rarely watch streams for long, and when I do, I tend to lurk quietly. Even if I am not visibly interacting, I still care. I still support you. And I promise... I often stalk my mutuals here on Twitter. I don't interact. But I swear, I am there.
6. This person also made claims that my community went after her and messaged her asking "Why are you being so mean to Zombae"
I asked this person for proof of this happening, and she failed to show any and proceeded to insult me and try to turn the subject around. She also said that people have spoken badly about me behind my back.
IF ANYONE FROM MY COMMUNITY EVER REACHES OUT SAYING THINGS IN MY DEFENSE, Please reach out to me. That isn't okay.
That's all I have to say...Right now, I will be focusing on my health and well-being. Thank you to everyone who has shown me kindness, understanding, and patience. It means more than you know.
And I am very sorry you had to read this. Please don't worry. I am going to try working on finding the help I need regarding my thoughts of Self-Harm.....
