Diogenes Stan

@ilyasaurus you got it bsky-social-ibilq-2dvmv

to all my loyal fans, followers, and simps all of my shitposting will exclusively be housed on Bluesky going forward twitter sux also, I have 5 invite codes if you want one bsky.app/profile/sprakl…

I don't know about you but I'm pretty fucking sick and tired of this milk hotel continuing to choose neutrality in the Israel-Palestine conflict

Archibald Shittington England and Wales Census, 1901

this is how it feels to take a shot of malort

EDM is what I imagine a computer farting would sound like this is a compliment

@BreetzTweetz @grantdh89 how many wars

@grantdh89 how many stars

Watched Star Wars for the first time

and now the ticket scanner for this show said "I have to tell you, you look sharp tonight" one compliment away from becoming insufferable

having a friend meet up with you and say "why do you look so good?" in a vaguely shocked voice is peak ego boost

Good to drive I am. Only one beer, I have had.

@TheJakeSchmidt @MattZeitlin on your side here

@MattZeitlin Everybody but me is wrong about this movie

new rotten tomatoes challenge: what's your favorite movie with a combined critic and audience score below 90

me every time a car stops to let me cross the street

It's called the Lemonade That Kills You, Dewey. You don't want none of this shit.

@nobelsucks stop subtweeting me

when i first joined my fraternity, a brother told me "the most important thing you can do is choose your battles wisely" and then preceded to become the pettiest cattiest person i've ever met.

me: you know what they say, a picture is worth a thousand words my professor: that still doesn't excuse you submitting a picture of John Wick for your essay on the origins of World War I

@porgtech it took me a solid 30 seconds to realize you weren't talking about a video game boss

thank god I work from home so i can roll my eyes and spin my chair during my boss's 3 minute monologue (I timed it!) about how great he is

I keep reading reviews of Ferrari like this but I regret to inform you Enzo Ferrari's mom really said that

"how long is it going to take you to finish" "don't worry, I'll cum in a jif"