denise

Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.

@nuttmedia <— winner

Send me to the moon and just fucking leave me there.

@JayePow As long as I can sit in a crater and not have to work i’m ok with that

@Stellacopter But they don’t have booze up there

@Vault_Hunter Such a shit hole. Merry Xmas 🎄

@Stellacopter Whoa, good to see you still around this dump! Merry Christmas ❤️

How many sleigh rides you been on this year? I’ve been on 7.

Finding it difficult to choose a Father’s Day card because he doesn’t sail boats.

Someone said I never say “I’m sorry,” then I pointed out a time I said sorry and now I’m making them say sorry for saying I never say sorry.

The worst thing about Katy Perry going to space is that they didn't leave her there.

Whatever that thing is that makes people like you? I don't have that.

I don’t own a Timeshare but that man from the Timeshare radio commercial sure makes me want to cancel mine.

When you see cigarette smoke coming from the top of a Dollar General, you know they have selected a new store manager.

@nuttmedia Yes, you better. Ty.

I just move my scale to different parts of the bathroom floor until I like the number.

@calluptome F’kn River Dance on that bitch

@Stellacopter Or tap dance sort of on it

@MobCalEsquire The lowest number is the right number

@Stellacopter Omg I do this 🤣🤣

Probably not this one either

No fucking way will I choose the shopping cart that someone left a piece of paper in.

I am absolutely fucking fuming at my brother and I'm glad he's bald. He pushed me you know... Hope he goes for a 2 mile walk off a 1 mile pier. #futureking #williampushedme #PrinceHarry #HaveSomeSinglePlyToiletPaperYouWanker

@migueldeicaza Help me please

@Stellacopter I can vouch for this.