Egan Van de🅡 Poel

I've had an emotionally overwhelming and potentially life-changing week, and I want to share what I've gone through. I'm autistic. I'd never properly considered it before. I've always felt different, but I had very little knowledge of what the autism spectrum entails. Writing this tweet has been therapeutic. I'm going to share a lot about my life. I feel free to do this because I no longer feel so much shame. I obviously have Level 1 autism (the mildest form). When I was 13, my dad used to talk to me about his experiences when working for a charity that cared for adults with level 2 and 3 autism. I did once ask him if I was autistic, but he said I wasn't; people didn't know as much about autism back then and I didn't behave anything like the adults that he was working with. I saw a YT video by someone who got an autism diagnosis in their 30s last week, and that made me seriously consider that I might have autism - maybe a 50% chance, and then I went down a rabbit hole and every day it increased by 10-15%. It's at 100% today. Discovering that I have autism has been an overwhelmingly positive experience. I no longer feel guilty about all the painful things that happened to me as a kid. I'm understanding that I was traumatised by some it, and that's normal for autistic people. Last year I tested positive for the Motor Neurone Disease gene that killed my Dad & Gran (whom I never knew). I'll likely get the disease by my late 60s, and I'm now way more worried about it because I feel like I've got a life to live. I now know that the constant anxiety and spells of depression that I've had are real. I used to think that my anxiety and depression were insignificant compared to other people who had real mental health problems. I've never had counselling. I actually suffer from crippling anxiety and it's all related to autism. Thankfully I'm no longer depressed. I was depressed during my 20s and I was super depressed at school. I was bullied so badly. I have big memory gaps in those years - I think it's known as dissociative amnesia. My parents fostered a challenging 9-year-old boy for a year when I was 14. He knew how to wind me up, which aggravated my anxiety. I only have one memory of that year: playing monopoly on the day he left us. I'm so grateful to FPL and the FPL community. The niche that I've found here is incredible, and autism has certainly allowed me to find it, but autism has also led me to become reclusive. I'm nearly 35 now. I have a comfortable but fairly unfulfilling life. Most days I only interact with my mum. I have no good friends locally. I rely on podcasts and social media interactions to fill the gap. My life is designed to minimise anxiety. I like being alone but I know this isn't sustainable. I knew that I had to try and improve my life - I just didn't know how to. I even considered getting a life coach a few months ago, but that would have been a waste of time if neither of us knew I had autism. I now have an idea of how I'm going to improve my life. I see a path forward. I'll start by going to a weekly meet-up for people with autism in my nearest town. I'll obviously continue to do what I've always done in the FPL community, but I'll use it as a foundation to build on. I'll give some other examples of how autism affects me: - In case it wasn't obvious, social interactions with neurotypical strangers cause me anxiety (but I do enjoy meeting people from the FPL community) - I have difficulty engaging in back-and-forth conversations - I find it hard to express myself - I talk in paragraphs instead of sentences - I struggle to make and maintain friendships - I like to plan things carefully before doing them - I'm hyper sensitive to certain sounds, smells, loud noises, materials and bright lights. I absolutely hate busy indoor spaces where people have to speak loudly to make their voices heard over loud background noise. - I'm emotionally sensitive - I take things literally. e.g I struggle when people exaggerate by using superlatives. - I'm clumsy - I always have cuts and bruises - I have a rigid routine in areas of my life and I have OCD tendencies - I really struggle to transition from one task to another e.g getting out of bed, getting out of the shower, getting ready for bed - I have very keen interests in certain subjects. My interests aren't particularly unusual but they are extreme - I notice patterns in things that other people don't - I've always been extremely fidgety, and I now realise this is called stimming. I've noticed that my stims are weirder when I'm alone. In public I just scrunch my toes. I've learned to try and fit in and hide my weirdness. I'm sharing all this partly in the hope that other people might realise that they're also autistic and get the help that they need. Here are links to YouTube videos/channels that I've found helpful. youtube.com/watch?v=YnU01H… @imautisticnowwhat" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">youtube.com/@imautisticnow… @MomontheSpectrum" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">youtube.com/@MomontheSpect… @autismfromtheInside" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">youtube.com/@autismfromthe… @YoSamdySam" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">youtube.com/@YoSamdySam And this one I discovered last night which has resonated the most with me youtube.com/watch?v=StLrjs… Finally, here's The Autism-Spectrum Quotient (AQ) Test, which I've done a few times. I scored 40 on it last time I tried it. psychology-tools.com/test/autism-sp… I'm going to try getting an official diagnosis via the NHS soon, but I don't feel I desperately need it. ♥️🌈♾️