Bryan Sternik

Tristan Thompson to Khloe Kardashian after getting caught cheating for the 500th time

The only way Americans will take Hantavirus seriously is if Tom Hanks announces he tested positive on Instagram

The only good thing about Hantavirus is sign language interpreters might finally be getting work again

This app got a little funky for a minute. How many people have switched over from MAGA to just regular people again?

First Chyna now Tatiana Maslany? This role is cursed!

@SceneinCinema @grok Hey @grok remove the best Peter Parker

Hey @grok remove the best Spider-Man

@TriciaOhio This is bullshit. They killed a woman after surrounding her vehicle & pulling on her door handle. That’s just murder from ICE

Today, ICE officers in Minneapolis were conducting targeted operations when rioters began blocking  ICE officers and one of these violent rioters weaponized her vehicle, attempting to run over our law enforcement officers in an attempt to kill them—an act of domestic terrorism. An ICE officer, fearing for his life, the lives of his fellow law enforcement and the safety of the public, fired defensive shots.  He used his training and saved his own life and that of his fellow officers.  The alleged perpetrator was hit and is deceased. The ICE officers who were hurt are expected to make full recoveries.   This is the direct consequence of constant attacks and demonization of our officers by sanctuary politicians who fuel and encourage rampant assaults on our law enforcement. These men and women who are simply enforcing the law on the books are facing 1,300% increase in assaults against them and an 8,000% increase in death threats.  This is an evolving situation, and we will give the public more information as soon as it becomes available.

Happy birthday, Elvis. In honor of the King, I will eat a hamburger while sitting on the toilet today.

DONOVAN MITCHELL CHRISTMAS POSTER

Just finished episode 1 of Welcome to Derry. Dark. Great music. Trauma everywhere. Adults ignoring obvious redflags. A clown destroying lives. Sorry, wrong show. It’s the Diddy Documentary

The greatest fuck around and find out moment I’ve ever seen, absolutely flawless

That’s not a foursome, that’s an illegal formation. 5-yard penalty from the previous spot. Still 4th down

We’re getting an X-Files reboot before the Epstein Files. Both from the 90s. One’s fiction. The other’s being treated like it

I told my girlfriend I was gonna see Aurora Borealis tonight & she said “who is Aurora & what are you planning on doing with her??”

Guess he took that panel spot on Kill Tony too seriously

@soapstarjo Nice to actually meet you bob! I gotta tweet more now!

@THEBryanSternik Dude! Tonight’s Secret Society Comedy was fucking insane! So great to meet you. Can’t wait to do it again!

14 years ago (a day before my 17th birthday) my high school crush said to me “I like tweeting, are you on twitter?” so I downloaded this app & she never followed me back. What a ride it’s been! #MyXAnniversary

@hashjenni This scene from Shrek the third is just legendary

I would betray every single one of you for Anne Hathaway

My 0-4 fantasy football team getting its first win because the other guy is going through a messy divorce and isn't checking his lineups