Lump

"Whose pussy is this?" You're asking that NOW?! Did you not study at all for this? That's like, the free question they give you so you don't score a zero. Are you stupid?

Started Riot Women thinking it'd be like We Are Lady Parts but it's so much heavier god damn... Amazing show but fuck i wasn't ready for all of that

Oh, you can't sleep without white noise? That's okay. Just lay down, close your eyes and *ahem* LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRAPH. EVERYTIME I DO IT MAKES ME LAUGH. HOW DID OUR EYES GET SO RED. AND WHAT THE HELL WAS ON JOEY'S HEAD

I love my girlfriend. I love making the house nice for when they come home. I was built to be a housewife. Give me little jobs to do around the house. Give me hugs.

Built so many shelves this week that i don't wanna do anymore so I told my partner they'd have to put their own together but i forgot to consider I love them lots and lots so the shelves arrived and I'm building them

"Due to local laws were age restricting your content" I just saw a woman get shot on the face multiple times at point blank range but thanks to stopping me from seeing tits or whatever 🙃

Womp Womp

Partner, pretty much in their sleep, points up and says "There are places" Creepy little bish

I love that all the "How to survive in the woods" videos are like Step 1 - Find a source of water. Step 2 - Find a good stick. Step 3 - Pull out your bag of specialised equipment and chemicals made for surviving in the woods

"Why didn't you see it at the cinema?" Because the cinema experience™ largely sucks??

I have no dog in the "Who's the biggest artist?" argument but I do think culture is too individualised now days for anyone to ever compare to MJ. Even if the numbers game gets passed the impact isn't gonna reach that same level.

Need that dementia Cadbury advert to fucking die. "Your dad won't recognise your face but he'll remember our chocolate bar. What a happy and whimsical moment. Buy one, you stupid fuck."

🎶 Hey little lady, won't you come on down? Grab your partner, swing 'em around. Hey little lady, won't you go down south? Do-si-do and eat me out 🎶

For sone reason I find myself watching a Smash Or Pass every Yu-Gi-Oh monster video and I think vanilla straight people should be banned from doing these because it's 100s of passes until there's a normal looking woman card 😭

Got hit with the "I know you're joking and it was funny but stop saying things like that immediately" laugh/look 😭

Accidentally stole from work yesterday (self checkout didn't work) got called, instantly said I'd come back and pay. It was all okay. But the first thing i said to my manager was "I forget it's not like stealing from places you don't work. There are consequences."

Pretty girls steal hearts and it's "romantic" but when I do it I'm "endangering people on the wait list". I don't understand.

To the tune of Save Me by Remmy Zero