Ted Barton

I hate any movie where an animal is the bad guy. Jaws is a shark. He’s hungry, not "up to something"

Modern girls wear leather jackets and dark glasses like Neo in the Matrix just to act like they’re still plugged in

Green is objectively the best color it’s literally the spokesperson for all garnishes

People binge content all day, no output, then wonder why they’re anxious. You don’t need pills, you need a diary. Your mind’s clogged. You’re mentally constipated.

Technology isn’t always an improvement. I can use my AirPods instead of holding a phone… but then no one knows I have a friend

Runners waiting at the crosswalk look like they have ants in their pants

After my shower I put a towel over my head and pretended I was E.T. It’s going to be a good day.

I don’t care what anyone says, no one actually believes in dreamcatchers, I’ve never heard of anyone like.. checking the filter

Noah’s Ark is insane. Catching two of every animal? It took me three hours just to get one cat to the vet.

Girls on dating apps will post two pictures of them in the sun with one prompt that she believes in the olive theory then accuse you of only liking her for her looks

Dunkin’ figured it out: make donuts mediocre enough to qualify as breakfast. Krispy Kreme made them too good and got bumped to dessert.

Sunglasses are so underrated, it’s like living life on incognito mode

Idk how God judges souls but if you knock on a bathroom door that says "occupied" it should be taken into consideration

Every time I see a redhead I start craving Wendy’s, honestly genius marketing

I hate a slow salt shaker, like come on lil fella I got bills to pay

I complained they put peppermint in my mocha. Turns out… I’d just brushed my teeth

Who started the rumor that birds sing? The ones outside my window just chirp like a broken fire alarm

Overheard a guy at the bar "this girl was a CLINGER. We hook up, she starts acting like we’re married" huh… it’s almost like that’s what God intended

Dogs meeting each other is wild. Imagine one sniff before they decide if they’ll love you or fight to the death

“If they see their favorite actor in our commercial, they’ll want to buy our product!" No, it just bums me out

I don’t like Omakase. They deliver like 30 dishes and I run out of synonyms for "thank you"