Ted Barton

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Ted Barton

Ted Barton

@TedBartonComedy

This is hard because I want to be myself, but I also want you to like me. instagram @tedbartoncomedy for stand up clips

New York, NY Katılım Mayıs 2018
8.3K Takip Edilen10.7K Takipçiler
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Ted Barton
Ted Barton@TedBartonComedy·
I hate any movie where an animal is the bad guy. Jaws is a shark. He’s hungry, not "up to something"
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Ted Barton
Ted Barton@TedBartonComedy·
Modern girls wear leather jackets and dark glasses like Neo in the Matrix just to act like they’re still plugged in
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Ted Barton
Ted Barton@TedBartonComedy·
Green is objectively the best color it’s literally the spokesperson for all garnishes
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Ted Barton
Ted Barton@TedBartonComedy·
People binge content all day, no output, then wonder why they’re anxious. You don’t need pills, you need a diary. Your mind’s clogged. You’re mentally constipated.
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Ted Barton
Ted Barton@TedBartonComedy·
Technology isn’t always an improvement. I can use my AirPods instead of holding a phone… but then no one knows I have a friend
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Ted Barton
Ted Barton@TedBartonComedy·
Runners waiting at the crosswalk look like they have ants in their pants
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Ted Barton
Ted Barton@TedBartonComedy·
After my shower I put a towel over my head and pretended I was E.T. It’s going to be a good day.
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Ted Barton
Ted Barton@TedBartonComedy·
I don’t care what anyone says, no one actually believes in dreamcatchers, I’ve never heard of anyone like.. checking the filter
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Ted Barton
Ted Barton@TedBartonComedy·
Noah’s Ark is insane. Catching two of every animal? It took me three hours just to get one cat to the vet.
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Ted Barton
Ted Barton@TedBartonComedy·
Girls on dating apps will post two pictures of them in the sun with one prompt that she believes in the olive theory then accuse you of only liking her for her looks
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Ted Barton
Ted Barton@TedBartonComedy·
Dunkin’ figured it out: make donuts mediocre enough to qualify as breakfast. Krispy Kreme made them too good and got bumped to dessert.
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Ted Barton
Ted Barton@TedBartonComedy·
Sunglasses are so underrated, it’s like living life on incognito mode
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Ted Barton
Ted Barton@TedBartonComedy·
Idk how God judges souls but if you knock on a bathroom door that says "occupied" it should be taken into consideration
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Ted Barton
Ted Barton@TedBartonComedy·
Every time I see a redhead I start craving Wendy’s, honestly genius marketing
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Ted Barton
Ted Barton@TedBartonComedy·
I hate a slow salt shaker, like come on lil fella I got bills to pay
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Ted Barton
Ted Barton@TedBartonComedy·
I complained they put peppermint in my mocha. Turns out… I’d just brushed my teeth
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Ted Barton
Ted Barton@TedBartonComedy·
Who started the rumor that birds sing? The ones outside my window just chirp like a broken fire alarm
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Ted Barton
Ted Barton@TedBartonComedy·
Overheard a guy at the bar "this girl was a CLINGER. We hook up, she starts acting like we’re married" huh… it’s almost like that’s what God intended
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Ted Barton
Ted Barton@TedBartonComedy·
Dogs meeting each other is wild. Imagine one sniff before they decide if they’ll love you or fight to the death
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Ted Barton
Ted Barton@TedBartonComedy·
“If they see their favorite actor in our commercial, they’ll want to buy our product!" No, it just bums me out
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Ted Barton
Ted Barton@TedBartonComedy·
I don’t like Omakase. They deliver like 30 dishes and I run out of synonyms for "thank you"
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