Just Sam

When vinegar says it contains the “mother” this is what I picture

Stupid sexy Dr. Frankenstein I designed for a freelance gig. Thank you @ThatSamBourne for reaching out!!

[About to have sex] Me: (struggling with wrapper) GAH!! Her: It’s OK. We can do it once without Me: YOU KNOW I NEED MY JOCK JAMS!

The bodega guy when you order something off the Boar’s Head menu above the deli counter:

For a dude named Harry Styles he’s only got like 2 Hairy Styles 🤬👎

If this unholy cloud monster gets to sell us tires AND pick the worlds best restaurants, I say we give the battery rabbit the power to pardon death row inmates.

*jacked dudes lifting at the gym* “Weeeee!”

After spending time with my niece, I realized I would exercise a lot more if my kettlebells giggled when I lifted them over my head.

INT. JEFFERSONIAN — DAY Bones: Perimortem stress fractures on the mandible tell us that the victim was gagged at the time of death. Hodgins: That fits with the traces of polymer resin we found in his teeth My ghost: (chewin an entire roll of bubble tape) WRONG AGAIN BUCKO!

@PFTompkins fucking weird rebus for a Tuesday, but I think I nailed it!

One of these days I’m gonna shit myself skinny, I know it.

Gonna start walking around with a sock full of nickels so next time I see a Nazi I can beat their ass until I make change.

@TyTheFisch Who hurt you? And why didn’t they finish the job?

Teacher has “kink safe” classroom😳

It’s been three years of Zoom chats and I still fight the urge to end every call with “love you”

“I just can’t get them to mate with the Queen!” shouted the apiarist unbecomingly

It’s only Halloween candy if it’s from the Halles region of France. Otherwise it’s just spookeling sweets.

WEDNESDAY TRIVIA: Daniel Tooth invented the toothbrush in 1893. Before him we just called em smelly mouth bones. #TheMoreYouKnow

OK FOR THE LAST TIME, THIS IS HOW GATORADE WORKS: Red = restores HP Blue = restores MP Orange = cures status condition Yellow = raises KO’d ally

“I made fish sticks in the air fryer” - basic - nobody cares “Just vaped up some fish sticks” - SICK AF - Parents are concerned!

What…what do these cat treats think is gonna happen?? 😳🙀🙅‍♂️