Adam Gabel

A 6.5 rating on Expedia doesn’t seem that bad until you find out the hotel gets 5 points just for writing its name.

It’s weird how the infinity symbol is just an eight on its side. It’s like existence is vast and never ending, unless you turn it vertical.

I used to deal the good Candy Land cards from the bottom of the deck to make sure my daughter would win, so now whenever she needs help it’s a big disappointment if I can’t produce a Queen Frostine.

“Please call me Robo, Mr. Caller is my father.”

Some people at Amazon Fulfillment Centers are not too bright. I ordered extra packing material for my fragile item and they sent it separately.

My mother keeps sending me articles with headlines like “8 Signs You Should Get Tested For Colon Cancer”, and sure enough the number one sign is when your mother keeps sending you articles with headlines like “8 Signs You Should Get Tested For Colon Cancer”.

If you’re going to bring your dog to the office, it should have to watch the same HR Video about appropriate touching and language at work as I did.

“Look it has pockets!” -My girlfriend wearing a dress made out of Pita

Apple wants their Arcade App to feel like the real arcades of my youth so they hired someone older than me to walk by right after I start my game, push me out of the way and take over.

Or is it?

You can tell how old a tree is by counting the number of rings before it picks up the phone.

I don’t do well with merch, the only way I could make money selling apparel connected to my act is if I get a job in Macy’s backpack department.

I joined that Facebook Group ‘Things With Faces’ and I just keep putting up selfies.

They don’t want you to cook the calf in the milk of its mother, but there’s no issue with dipping falafel in hummus?

That cat must’ve smoked a ton of weed for Pepé Le Pew to think she smelled like a skunk.

“Dad, what were you like in the 90’s?” “Well…” (Kid has already stopped listening)

I didn’t see any of the Oscar Nominated films, I figure I’ll just wait for them to come out in GIF.

Being a comic means writing a great joke about a family member that you can’t use because they might hear it and stop giving you money.

I had a hard time hearing that Billy Joel’s Greatest Hits Album because I thought ‘Volume 1’ was instructions on how loud it should be.

Them: No one can top me at making hack statements about my superiority. Me: Hold my beer.