American Pope

Fuck.

It's Ash Wednesday, y'all. Just a little reminder that "all we are is dust in the wind" youtu.be/g0zSB2WEtwU #BasilicaRock

Happy Fat Tuesday, everybody! Or as we call it here in America, "Tuesday."

Speaking of cardinals, might have to change that name too. #GoCubs

On my way to the College of Cardinals with my homemade beer bong. Time to drink up, birdie-birds!

I would like to introduce the new Archbishop of the Diocese of My Stomach, Monsignor Jack Daniels.

Vatican City doesn't have a KFC? Doesn't sound like much of a city.

"I'm an American Pope / I'm coming to your Church / I'll help you party it down / I'm an American Pope" to the tune of youtu.be/lMsIrKjSM6Y

Just told one of the Cardinals to refer to me as "His Guacomoleness." Hahaha, he's really doing it.

What am I giving up for Lent? ANYTHING BUT FREEDOM, BABY! #USA #USA

After paying my respect to the King of Kings, I like to finish a hard day of Pope-ing with the King of Beers #GrabSomeBuds

Please rise for the processional hymn, "Eye of the Tiger."

Gonna add the liner notes to every pre '77 Lynyrd Skynyrd album to the Cathecism.

May rename it the Dopemobile. Throw some 20-inch spinner rims on there?

Mixing up a fresh batch of my patented "Chili Conclave Queso Dip." Spicy like the fires of hell.

First order of business: the Dallas Cowboys are hereby absolved of their 2012 season record. #GoCowboys

Getting fitted for my dope hoodie/carpenter jeans papal vestments. Can't wait for y'all to see it.

In nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti, y'all.

All Bibles will now come with Ranch dressing-proof covers.

Get ready, "Vatican Rock City" is getting a plasma. 56-inch. Latin subtitles on 24/7.