The Needling

“Clearly, the only reason anyone would live in this desolate land is to take advantage of never paying state income tax,” said Starbucks VP of Coffee Syrups Lara Pilson as an orca sprung from the sparkling Puget Sound at sunset with Mount Rainier glowing pink in the distance.

“By just cutting back on little luxuries that, avocado toast, or giving that transphobe hedge fund manager Brian Heywood your money by the dumptruck, you’ll have your fifth home in no time.”

After weeks of Starbucks leadership telling every major newspaper in the country how mean Seattle Mayor Katie Wilson’s been to them by publicly not liking them, today she formally apologized saying she thought they knew everyone here including herself hated them already.

After weeks of Starbucks leadership telling every major newspaper in the country how mean Seattle Mayor Katie Wilson’s been to them by publicly not liking them, today she formally apologized saying she thought they knew everyone here including herself hated them already.

After weeks of Starbucks leadership telling every major newspaper in the country how mean Seattle Mayor Katie Wilson’s been to them by publicly not liking them, today she formally apologized saying she thought they knew everyone here including herself hated them already.