The Résumé Writer

Many people might not believe this but... In 2023, I was packed into a police Danfo during a random raid in Jos, Plateau state. I was trekking for an all night session in school. They drove us to the station, seized our phones, and told everyone to sit on the bare floor behind the counter. The IPO in his faded uniform brought out rumpled sheets of paper and shouted ''Criminals remove your shoes make una write una statement for here'' I tried to look at the guys beside me who were sweating and writing things like "I am just walking and police catch me abeg I am a student." Another guy with a torn shirt was writing, "I swear to God I am not a cultist, I only went to buy indomie and egg, my mother is a widow." One particular guy was literally dropping tears on his paper, writing, "I don't smoke loud, I have CHM 101 test tomorrow morning, please have mercy in Jesus name." I knew my family did not have 50k for any emergency bail. So I sat on that cold floor, balanced the paper on my knee, and activated the ''Femi Falana'' in me (small HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MUDER was giving me confidence). I did not write a plea o. I wrote a chronological, legally terrifying timeline of my abduction. I used phrases like "unlawful detainment," "absence of probable cause," and "infringement of fundamental liberties." I made sure my handwriting was looking like a typed font🤲🏾 Thirty minutes later, the DPO walked in to inspect the night's harvest. He was biting the edge of a pure water sachet when he started reading the statements one by one, tossing them aside. Then he picked up my paper. He read the first paragraph, stopped, and looked at the crowd on the floor. He read it again. I was already preparing my mind for Cell One, the one with Mosquitoes that trained in Afghanistan. I was entirely convinced my grammar had angered him. The DPO looked at the IPO and said, "Who write this thing?" The IPO pointed at me. The DPO told me to stand up and follow him to his office. At that point, I wished I wrote my statement in Hausa😭 I entered the room, sweating like cold water. He sat down, dropped the paper on his desk, and said, "So, you sabi write English like this and you dey waka late night?" He opened his drawer and brought out a massive stack of dirty files. He complained that the station's secretary had been sick for three days and they had a massive backlog of official reports to send to the Area Commander. I did not enter the cell that night. I sat in a perfectly air-conditioned office from 11 PM to 4 AM, actively ghostwriting police reports, restructuring suspect confessions, and formatting legal petitions for the Nigerian Police Force. By 5 AM, the DPO gave me 15k cash for a job well done, bought me a plate of white rice, and ordered the patrol van to drive me safely to my hostel with full escorts. If you are currently smiling at this beautiful grass-to-grace story, I want you to know that you just read several heavy paragraphs of pure, undiluted fiction. I have never been arrested in my life. I am currently on my bed eating bread and egg. But like the original tweet said, proper articulation solves 75% of your problems. The remaining 25% is knowing how to lie fluently to farm engagement on this app. Happy Sunday.

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