Thedaytoday

Weather: Devon and Cornwall should have some fairly heavy and prolonged showers, a bit like jagged metal piercing old flesh.

Jacques 'Jacques' Liverot: If democracy is a bra, then the monarchy are breasts. And we cannot imagine a society without breasts. Hélas.

Bouncing elephantiasis woman destroys central Portsmouth.

Sacked chimney-sweep pumps boss full of mayonnaise

Leicester man wins right to eat sister

Euro MPs new headsets play the sound of screaming women

Tomorrow the new Bank of England 5 pound note comes into circulation. The notes, which feature the head of Iggy Pop, can only be used once.

Jacques 'Jacques' Liverot: An old man stands naked in front of a mirror, eating soup. He is a fool.

Jacques 'Jacques' Liverot: When I drive my car, I am not driving. I am participating in a conspiracy called 'traffic'. I will walk...

Quick roundup of today's gayness, starting with the roads: The M70, the A3, the B664 and the A48M. They are all gay as of midnight tonight.

The gay elements are Potassium. Zinc. Hydrogen. Copper. And Argon.

Gay cars next, they're the same as last night: all Volkswagens registered between 1982 and 1985, they stay gay for another fortnight.

Richmond Arithmetic versus Nottingham Marjorie - match postponed due to bent pitch

Herman the Tosser is not someone who's invaded my own particular consciousness

Coming up - more cathedral dumping in Leicester

“Gita is 15 and now because of heavy electricity she’s only eight inches tall. She can’t speak, but she must feel quite dreadful.” Nick Owen

The Lincolnshire village of Vladny is tonight recovering from a gravity quake during which the Earth's pull was reversed for seven minutes.

Sheffield Hysterical 3, Chunky Norwich 1. Richmond Artithmetic versus Nottingham Marjorie match postponed due to bent pitch.

The Day Today - slamming the wasps from the pure apple of truth.

Stretch pants linked to outbreak of cretinism.