dangerpants

so @rianjohnson clearly has the means and the clout to give us the Charlie Cale / Benoit Blanc crossover we all deserve and I demand to know why he's not doing it right this instant

@mulegirl I honestly have no good answer for that.

Making jokes on Twitter anymore just feels like throwing a flower into a bonfire

Someone needs to bundle all these shitty workplace apps like Zoom and Teams and Slack into one package and call it Frazzl.

I think we need some new holiday songs with new themes. Maybe a jaunty tune about a Christmas Eve worker uprising where they burn the guillotined heads of their corporate overlords like Yule logs as tribute to the Old Winter Gods. Just spitballing here.

Honest to Jeebus it is nearly impossible to write any kind of horror-adjacent short fiction any longer, now that "my neighbors refuse to get vaccinated" is scarier than anything else my imagination can concoct.

To clarify: Jeff Bezos is not an "astronaut" just because he took a passive ride on a rocket. That'd be like me calling myself a "pilot" just because I flew from JFK to LAX on an Airbus A320. He was a passenger, and nothing more.

The fact that we were taught about the numerator and denominator in fractions but never the numeratrix or denominatrix proves how gender-biased our math schooling was.

Me, whispering soothingly to the Suez Canal: "See, now you know what it feels like to eat too much cheese."

“Ok, so…” is the new “Once upon a time…”

Writing prompt: the St. Crispin's Day speech from Shakespeare's Henry V except Henry is absolutely hammered on cider.

Every time I see an Andrew Wyeth painting I think “that is a Robert Eggers film just waiting to happen.”

“I am once again asking you to retreat back into your money or your vast carelessness”

$600 won't pay my bills this month but it sure will make a nice downpayment on a guillotine.

Someone please get poor @SteveKornacki a coffee. He's working his lil butt off.

2019 me: can name everyone on the Liverpool side and also recite the stats for most of the Tampa Bay Lightning. 2021 me: "yes I would like one ticket to a.. how you say.. Spöört? Also is this the one where they throw the oval or the one where they kick the orb?"

@GKuhlenschmidt You absolutely have to do this bit as part of your eventual SNL audition.

saw my step-mom, brother and dad in a porn

I feel like we’re all auditioning for the worst reality TV show ever.

@rshields37 He's always been the caretaker.

On this date in 1921.

Nice job, @TODAYshow control room, for spoiling the Austraian Open with your chyron of the winner. 🙄