Tracy Jordan

I agree @theRealStephenHawking. Women are not funny. Never have been. Never will be. #plotpoint

Laughter is the best medicine. Except those pills that keep me alive every day.

They say you are what you eat. So today I'm a battery, and bottle of Tums.

Believe in your dreams. That way, you can fight zombies with Shrek and Martin Luther King Jr.

I was just told that A Bird in the Hand is Worth Two in the Bush is NOT just a vintage porno.

I finally understand the ending of The Sixth Sense. Those names are the people who worked on the movie!

I can't believe the LORAX edged me out to be the new Diabetes spokesperson.

IT'S LEAP DAY! Send me pictures of your yellow and blue. You don't even wanna know how I'm wearing it... #LEAPDAY

I'm bringing my grandma to the #Oscars tonight. I just hope the urn doesn't break.

I gave up medicine for Lent. Don worry, its ton eb grape

I WILL find whoever is rubbing ash all over people.

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. They have TERRIBLE gum hygiene.

It's Friday night. So I’m going to say to you what I say to all my sharks right before they die: “Let’s go outside.”

I lost my mood ring. I don't know how I feel about that.

If you can't stand the heat, take your head out the microwave.

Jack Donaghy gets animated with Michael McDonald, @TheRyanAdams @DonaldGlover & @CeeLoGreen for the SUPERBOWL. eonline.com/news/watch_wit…

I just took a real age test. It said I'm dead.

RIP NotKenneth nbc.com/30-rock/video/…

@DoctorLSpaceman My urine is pretty much kool aid and battery acid, so feel free to improvise.

Keep your friends close, and Sasquatch even closer.