Travis Hampton

Unfollow your dreams! (marketing Twitter here, obviously)

Which bird has a throat pouch that's completely useless for storing fish? The pelican't. I'll see myself to the gallow...

[visually impaired Secret Service agent yells into sleeve] Head shot! Sniper at four o'clock!

I bet none of you can't imitate my voicemail message as well as I do when I accidentally answer.

What? Putting my foot in my mouth is just part of my work out routine.

Awesome group cuddle. Now where's my glasses?

"A certain degree of discretion might be in order if you understand me." "Got it. Fahrenheit. No? Celcius? Help me out here!"

I can't seem to get the hang of covering my PIN because I get robbed two bucks every time.

When did the internet become all about telling me I've done everything wrong all my life?

When you're about to tell them that last night was fun but you don't want a relationship right now

So you preach the word? On Twitter we call that "stealing tweets" but we do it from different accounts rather than just God.

Defrost means "to voluntarily wait salivating for longer than necessary" in microwave.

"So we're doing a porn spoof of The X-files. Let's nail that title, people." [two hours later] "Uhm... Can we have some czechs in it?"

Deinfe "obsolete".

Cool expression, but can you tell me about the 21 first catches? Are there any more?! JEEZ KNOW SOMETHING BEFORE YOU OPEN YOUR FACE HOLE!

"You are the light of my life" I say opening my fridge.

Hold it right there. You need to fill out this eye contact form first.

Me: I have three things to do but only time for one. Brain: Do no things. Me: (sighing with obviously feigned reluctancy) OK then...

[on the phone with customer services] So what would the fee for shipping only be? I'm planning to do all the handling myself.

I'd kinda like to bring back prohibition for just one weekend just to see what happens to Twitter.