Twisted Sitcom

[farmers market] Female vendor: I have some really nice melons here. Grandpa: You could say that again! Family: Oh, grandpa...

Kid: Dad, is this dishwasher safe? Dad: Sure, as long as you're not in it while it's running.

Dad: Son, what did I tell you about watching porn? Son: Midgets or GTFO? Dad: That's right. Now don't make me say it again.

Bad pun sex ed teacher: Guys, use a sock when u masturbate. It could really-- Class: Don't say it T: --come in-- C: Don't u dare T: --handy!

[Tindr] - wanna meet? - ok - how bout dinner? - sure. Do u have reservations? - I mean, ur pic isn't the best but I'll give it a shot

Husband: Any resolutions this year, honey? Wife: Yeah. Have more headaches.

Husband: 🎶 Believe it or not I'm walking on air! Never thought I could feel so freeee! 🎶 Wife: Did you have a nice poop, honey?

Mom: Now let's all name something we're thankful for. Teenage son: Incognito mode. Mom: What's that? Son, and Dad: Nothing!

[retail store] Employee 1: TGIF! Woo hoo! Employee 2: Dude, we're open tomorrow. Employee 1: FML.

Dad: When are you gonna get a job, boy? Son: I just did. Girlfriend (walking in): Hi, Mr. Jenkins! Dad (rolls eyes): I meant employment.

Husband: Son, grab me a beer would ya? Wife: Dear! He's only four! H: Good point. I should probably start keepin em on the bottom shelf.

Dad: How was school today son? Learn anything useful? Kid (grimacing): Yeah. Next time have her spit on her hand first.

Guy: What'll it take to get YOU into this 93 white Ford Econoline TODAY? Girl: Are u a used car salesman? Guy: Um. Yes. Let's go w/ that.

[office mens room urinals] Boss: Nice work on that dick. Guy: My name's not Dick, sir. Boss: I know that. Guy: *hastily zips up pants*

Grandpa: The streets used to be wider and have fewer pedestrians on 'em, back in my day! Kid: Uh, grandpa, you're driving on the sidewalk.

Uncle: Hey your friend was cute. Can I get her number? Niece: OMG we're in high school! Uncle: Oh right. Can I get her Snapchat then?

[parent-teacher conference] Dad: This is America! Maybe try givin' my kid his homework in English! Teacher: Sir, this is Spanish class.

Mom: Kids! No farting at the dinner table! Kid: But Grandpa gets to! Grandpa: Those aren't farts.

Principal: Sir, we found your son peeping in the girls locker room. Dad: Oh I'm so sorry! I told him never, ever to get caught doing that!

[family outing] Kid: I hate this! When will it be over?! Dad: Pipe down! You sound like your mother.