𝙒𝙚𝙣𝙙𝙮 𝙃𝙖𝙢𝙞𝙡𝙩𝙤𝙣

I’m not sure I will make sense of what happened. “Why” is not going to get an answer. Why is not the right question. My question is “What now?” The answer that filters in, “You grow.”

@seanparkerphoto @DifferentUnity @SonyAlpha @TamronAmericas Wow. Gorgeous colors!

2 new Milkyway photos taken last night in the Sonoran desert. #tucson #milkyway #astrophotography #landscapephotography @SonyAlpha A7IV @TamronAmericas 16-30 f/2.8 lens.

I heard the woman as if she were wailing. Mumbling crazy stuff and I could no longer hear the person speaking. What the heck. I looked at the chat thread and there was a woman making comments about and longer prayers for her family. I was confused. She was very distraught. She was very disturbed. She was very distressed and yet no one “on staff” was responding to her. Every now and then someone might write something in chat in passing to her but for the most part she was being ignored. Her comments became erratic to me and disconnected from what the pastor was talking about. Nothing she was writing was tracking with what he was saying. I asked her for clarity about a statement she made about her daughter and she ignored me. She made another erratic combination of comments and I reported her comment trying to alert someone on staff that she needed help. Meanwhile, I’m hearing her wail. Cry. In distress. I’m feeling stressed and just want to listen to the person speaking and can’t. Her distress was too loud. I might have been a bit too direct but I asked if she was listening to the speaker. She indicated that she was having all of these prophetic messages for her family and wanted people to pray into what she saw or was receiving. I suggested she write in a notebook what she was receiving so that she would have the physical record to then process those with the ministry team later…but for now, maybe listen to the preaching/teaching. Immediately, another person applauded her for writing speaking. What the? I paused. What was going on? I had one of those “AITA” moments and checked myself and my motives. I wasn’t sure, exactly, what to do but with hearing/feeling/experiencing her distress as I was, I was not going to be able to hear a thing the speaker was saying. So I began to focus on her. The speaker said something about not being forgotten so I told the lady she was not forgotten, she was loved, known, seen, etc. Keep in mind, I really have no desire to talk or chat and a chat box I can’t silence or turn off is a huge distraction to me as an individual who has ADHD, clinically diagnosed. I felt like I was perhaps being insensitive and the fact that what she was doing was so distracting and showing her distress/stress was increasingly stressful for me. Ultimately, I didn’t want a lady who had said she had been emotionally shut down for so long to feel like attacked. Bottom line, both of us were asked by one of the ministry leaders to end the back and forth. Absolutely! Hadn’t wanted to chat during a teaching/preaching in the first place but there was not a way at that moment for whatever reason to silence or even minimize the chat screen. For me the situation wasn’t good. I took screenshots but ultimately God is not a God of confusion and ongoing chat while someone is teaching not related to the teacher/speaker means the person needs help. If she had been sitting beside me in person and saying what she said, doing what she was doing, I would have invited her out into the lobby to just talk and listen to her. I’m not a jerk but I sometimes the situation creates lose-lose like scenarios. Sighs. I struggle at times people-ing.

@AlistairMerrym1 She wasn’t there every minute of every day in another person’s life.

Last night I watched this. I wrote a very long post. It was late and it was a bit of a ramble and a reminisce. I decided to delete it. It's 2026 and Mike Bickle is trying to make a comeback and these two just happen to drop a video on why the House of Prayer is a great idea. I can't help but wonder whether or not Eric Volz is back advising or if this is just a happy coincidence. Laura is much better PR for IHOPKC than just about anyone that's left at Red Bridge. It's hard for me to accept any of this at face value. There's an agenda here. There are moments in this video where they say God and I hear Mike Bickle. "I feel like God is not afraid of the long game, (He plays the long game) and we are not afraid of the long game." That's the problem so does Mike Bickle and the only thing he's ever been afraid of is the truth. IHOPKC has never been safe for families and children.

@AlistairMerrym1 What does that even mean “to wait for God’s truth” over facts alone? What on earth? So, we have a confession. We have testimony. But going to wait for God to reveal truth in what additional way exactly?

"Coming into the light is also seeing with His eyes not mere acknowledgement of facts." Has to be the most spiritual bypassing I've seen since Mike Bickle painted the seduction and Clergy SA of a child and 19 year old intern as a Demonic attack of accusations because he prays for Israel. Facts matter. Jesus isn't a delusional coward. He's the Just One. He's the God who sees.

I dislike when I don’t think positively about someone. I dislike when I meet someone and there are instantly red flags and warning bells. I dislike when there are thoughts I have that I just can’t shake. Like how, at no point did I not have the thought: “She reminds me of Glenda the good witch off Wizard of Oz.” At no point was I okay as her voice trilled up and down in what to me felt like a mixture of neurolinguistic program with her literally using the rising and the fall of the melodic sounds or tones of her voice to manipulate. Like a melodic lock note after note and key after key. I spiritually challenged her at one point. Something she had done crossed a line. I spoke quietly to her from the comforts of my home. Her response was a seemingly innocent comment broadcast physically, “What about the children?” Spiritually, she threatened my children. I informed her that for her to threaten my children would bring issue to her own house to her children. Threatening another woman’s children is what I have seen is the number one way moms attack or threaten. I have learned that ultimately it is God who protects my kids and keeps them safe. I absolutely cannot consider myself their protector or defender. God’s call and His story on their lives protects them. So, it’s a bit unnerving to ask questions of someone in a spiritual experience and the immediate response in that spiritual moment is for there to be a threat to my kids. That’s something a person invested in evil, not good does. Good people don’t walk around and threaten other people’s kids. My response to her threat was to remind her of the laws of the system she was in. I wouldn’t go after her kids but to feel a threat against mine because I told her not to hurt a man she was about to lay hands on? Yeah…stuff like that is weird. But I was taught that the red flags are enough. The red flags are the red flags. The red flags are enough. Yet because I, it seems, was there to basically draw out the good, the bad, and the uglier it seemed. I didn’t simply leave. I heard the tell-tale sounds and phrases of someone engaging others by use of a siren spirit or a sensual spirit. I won’t be able to discredit my concerns as she seemingly was able to turn off and on and adjust at will based upon what she needed or wanted to do in the moment. Is she evil, no? Is she good? No. She’s human. She has deception. She has error and incompleteness, pride and self-sabotage as well as self-promotion by the buckets and boatloads. But, I’m not entirely sure what I was expecting. She is good at what she does and is physically lovely but the results right now of her life weighed and measured would be “found wanting” and I would not wish that on her or want that for her as I only just met her in a way. It’s very possible to not be on a witch hunt and find a witch. Again, I dislike when I think negatively about anyone. But people should not hurt others. And I watched hurt happen. Physically and spiritually. Aware that mine was not the responsibility to stop what was happening from happening. But just pay attention and watch. See what I see and then say what I needed to say…publicly.

Shift the Language of “Spiritual Fathers” and “Spiritual Mothers” to Create Healthy Boundaries and Healthy Relationships. The Problem: Like biological children, spiritual “children” can be “sired” or established under multiple superficial circumstances. Formed by lusts…not love. What is needed are REAL relationships, not in-name only or placeholder relational acknowledgments. What is REAL? If an individual does not know your name, that person is NOT your father and not your mother. If all you know is the public persona that is not a real spiritual father or spiritual mother. They might have been your ideological or “ideas” sperm donor and the seeds of their thoughts inspired you but if you do not have a physical relationship with the person that is reciprocated, if you do not break bread with (share meals), if you do not spend time with physically or concretely with the person, then that person is NOT a real father or mother, spiritually-speaking, to you. Do not be deceived or deceiving. We have too many men especially in the church desiring to have hundreds if not thousands of spiritual children and the roots of that desire are selfish. The leaders desiring such a position are really no better than deadbeat dads and deadbeat moms. Those leaders only think of the gratification to their own egos being stroked by praise, attention, fawning, and flattery. Those leaders are not built for love. They are too self-centered for proper relational investment. The odds are there is a steady stream of “bodies under the bus” and hurt and disappointed people who did everything right and nothing wrong except to believe the lies of a selfish, likely narcissistic, leader. Leaders, especially inside the church, need to quit playing and quit pretending father/mother and son/daughter relationships if they are not actively and intentionally and honorably sustainably the real and true relationships. No playing house. Playing house does not let a person needing a home and needing a family find a home and a family. People don’t need pseudo relationships or fake promises superficial leaders have no intentions of keeping. They need truly invested relationships.

Carl Jung was not playing around

My first public prophetic word. The three people prophesying over me and my husband was John Thomas (successor of John Paul Jackson). John prior to this moment had never met me but his word was spot on regarding me. Chris McRae or someone under Chris’s authority removed a portion of his prophetic word where Chris mentioned TD Jakes in connection to me. Chris thought his own history with TD Jakes as TD Jakes’ former bodyguard was filtering in. It wasn’t as I had my own physical and spiritual connection to TD Jakes and Chris had seen rightly regarding me and called out what had happened or was happening he just did not know my history. Encourage you to watch my prophetic word spoken about me by “strangers” at the time.

Asked Grok about the Border Collie personality type and added in the details of my known personality blend traits.

@john_wickes9 @PanoPhotos Feels lively and lovely. Thank you for sharing, John!

Glastonbury Tor – Pre-Dawn 10 minutes before sunrise (05:45 → 05:55) and the sky was already putting on a show. That soft, quiet glow building over the Tor feels so full of promise. The calm before the golden explosion. Still pure magic. #GlastonburyTor @PanoPhotos #ThePhotoHour

When I want to believe in anything good about the men who abused and used me inside church settings, I really just need to walk through this list below. Reminding myself of who they are and what they by their defaults are not able to be and how their deficits of soul and spirit are detrimental to anything good coming to me from them or by them allows me to set boundaries with these men. I do not have to tolerate their abuse. I have a large capacity to love, see good in people, and believe that God will work all things together for my good. Unfortunately, my normal way of loving others often makes me a target for Narcissists or controlling leaders ESPECIALLY inside of church settings. Lots of reasons for that: 1. I grew up in a multi-generational culture of ministry. My family on both my mom’s side AND my dad’s side were (literally in many cases) in ministry as pastors or teachers in the church and, at a minimum, they (all 4 of my grandparents very present and active in my life) were compassionate and incredibly generous people who would meet the needs they saw where that need was providing a meal or helping with repairs or ensure that a family less fortunate than them got the help they needed. 2. Basically, I grew up incredibly wealthy in ways that often had little to do with money but everything to do with success, work ethic, and creating community culture. I am very sad to realize that people like myself can be taken advantage of inside of toxic church ministry cultures and with toxic leaders. Some environments-especially anywhere that has a prosperity doctrine or “sow to reap” giving culture can absolutely manipulate or attempt to manipulate people like me. So, this list below ⬇️, is an absolutely great list for me to walk through when my thoughts are stressed and my “heart hurts” for the ways I am being treated, disrespected, manipulated, used and abused. I do not have to take their abuse. God never designed my long suffering nature to allow me to be abused. Not the purpose or point of my patience. Anyone behaving abusively with me truly does not know me. I’m a relentless Border Collie type person who will keep circling and circling and moving and getting that one freaking stubborn sheep back into the fold. ✌🏻 Those who were foolish enough to tangle with me, pitting my reputation against theirs, did not understand my reputation. They found out or are finding out that you really don’t mess around with people like me. Lots of love. High sense of justice. I am of a group of people who are outliers, wild cards, and we keep going. We protect the sheep. We are mild-mannered NOT to be passive. We are mild-mannered to have a reputation of being fiercely protective of people who cannot for a myriad of reasons protect themselves. When I tell you who I am, believe me. If you insist on testing me and trying me, you will find out how much of a bad idea that is. Truth and justice are to me like a dog to a bone.

Hearing Mark Chironna say the right things in Q&A today made my heart hurt a little more. If those are his thoughts, why did my reports of abuse not matter? If he knows so much, why did he not help me instead of block me when I asked him for help? I was taught by prophetic leaders to not believe. I did everything I could do to try to warn about an abuser who has been abusing for decades yet, again, it’s like they are not hearing this leader’s confessions. I’m trying to figure out…why am I and no one else seemingly is?

While I am 100% certain the guy was not trying to pray for people to die, what he said came out wrong.

Prayer was, “We command that Lyme disease to die in the name of Jesus, or anyone that has it.”

I’ve been watching a conference. It’s a faith-based thing. A “prophetic” thing. Which is triggering for me on so many levels because of the abuse I encountered but I thought I’d give it a go. Had a guy praying for someone who had Lyme Disease. “God, we ask that you kill Lyme Disease. And the people…” And then he switched gears and said another thought and didn’t finish the thought about the people. I got tickled. Literally laughed a bit while streaming and commented in the chat, “Well, the people should live…” Freaking 🦗 🦗🦗🦗🦗crickets. Was like the two guys completely missed what had happened and what the one guy said or missed that my comment was basically Lyme Disease should die but, well, the people shouldn’t die. 😂 Let the people live and not die. Sighs. My takeaway after today is healing in the places and culture that broke me likely won’t ever happen.

@WENDY_D_W @blaiseforet @AlistairMerrym1 I went ahead and signed up for Voice of the Prophets. It’s been incredibly interesting to hear Mike Bickle called a predator from Sam Storms during Q&A.

@blaiseforet @AlistairMerrym1 Amen!

Fasting for Mike Bickle’s Return? Nah. I’ll be feasting on the Scripture and rejecting the cult like behavior instead. youtu.be/2WYrwPVxdgM?si…