Whack Morris

“What song is it that goes, Around the world, around the world…” Record store guy: “Yeah, that’s…” “I’m not done yet. Around the world, around the world, around the world, around the world, around the world, around the world, around the world, around the world, around the wor

@BxxHeather Not soon enough.

Lying on a heating pad. 🤤

Packing all my worldly possessions in my foreskin and then throwing it over my shoulder like a hobo.

@AndrewFinegan @Zaohz 🚨 DWEEB ALERT! 🚨

@Zaohz only 70? I hit 80+ by the time I merge on the highway with this 6600 lb. guy -

I hate when people enter an interstate going slow asf. I’m already hitting 70 by the end of the on-ramp

Lara Cromf: Goon Raider

@iShitInMyJNCOS Whomper.

Bun to your head name 5 burgers

“20 Amazon home products you won’t believe you didn’t buy sooner.”

Have you ever dreamed this man?

🎵I'm going back home With my fat nuts swinging 🎵I'm going back home With my fat nuts swinging

@octopuscaveman They’re weird relics these days. Every time I spot one I think, “That person is driving a Saturn. Weird.”

@WhackMorris I haven’t seen one of those in a decade

Lmao. Dude did this to a Saturn.

Spent the last three weeks sick as fuck and recovery has been slow, but I’m still alive. Just fyi.

@ReginaldFroudek Well done. 👍

i did an absolute fuck ton of house and yard work today, please acknowledge my efforts.

@BxxHeather Hope you’re ready to back that up.

Trying to make some corned beef and cabbage since I was sick all week and couldn’t for St Patrick’s Day, but for the life of me I can’t find a single bottle of Guinness stout anywhere. I’ve been to 8 liquor store.

Real talk. Chuck Norris was a scumbag.

Chuck Norris didn’t die. He defeated life.

@octopuscaveman I can hear Hugh Jackman’s voice saying, “Uh… Jean. It’s not what it looks like.”

Wolverine trying to explain to Jean Grey that magneto was controlling his metal skeleton and making him smell her panties

@FartFuckinVader Oh yeah, buddy. I tell the real shit.

@WhackMorris You fucking asshole i can’t believe the audacity you have

Guess what? Chicken butt.