Kerstin Porter

I have a new exercise instructor that I love. Yes, it's a singing, dancing Christmas Animatronics Toy but it's a workout to keep up with them!

They put up a Christmas Climbing Wall in the town center in the shape of a Christmas Tree! But the cops that pulled me off it said it IS a Christmas Tree.

How to make holiday treats healthier. Do situps while eating them.

Last year I asked Santa for muscles. He brought me @DonSaladino 's workout program. Not what I meant, but I don't mind looking at Don's muscles.

Can we please stop putting sand on top of muffins?! It’s sugar? I thought it was because people wanted to feel like they were at the beach. Why the hell do we put sugar on muffins?

Them: You need to drink electrolytes powder. Me: But I eat food. #electrolytes

Eat more fiber to help with loneliness. Then your stomach will start talking to you. #allbymyself #eatfiber

Why pay for a gym membership? You can go to the store for free! There you can exercise by: lifting jugs of water, running to get in line first, and putting everything back after you see the price.

For good eye health: every 20 minutes look 20 feet away for 20 seconds. And focus at what you're looking at, because you might accidently be staring at someone. At least that's what I'm telling my neighbors. #eyehealth

I’m finally fully commit and get married to my f**k it attitude! And I’m wearing a shiny wedding ring on my middle finger so everyone knows.

There's some incredible exercise equipment, which I can't afford so I do exercises with a chair. My neighbor's chair. Gotta keep it affordable.

I'm trying to do 10k steps daily, but in the city it's more like 10k trips over garbage, jumps over dog poop, and turn arounds to avoid the guy, hopefully, just peeing.

I came up with a new workout! Final Girl Workout: Flailing Arms Run, Fall and Crawl, Shocked Head Shake, Practicing Absence, and Running Upstairs. What's your favorite exercise?

They say white people don't season food. Well, I do. I spice up my food with flaxseed, yogurt, kale, wheatgerm, dandelion greens... It really improves the chances of me being the only one eating it.

Halloween Costumes that are also Exercises: 1) Follow someone around - Shadow 2) Contort your body - Road Kill 3) Run - Final Girl

The perfect warm up attire for working out isn't tear away pants. It's an fall away shirt, one that's so big it falls off when you do handstand reps.

Halloween is different when you’re 40. I stopped dressing up and started drinking and not sleeping. Then I naturally look like a witch!

Middle America was always known as the fly over states, but after the pandemic, it's become the land in states. #Everyonemoved

CAUTION if you give a @HomeDepot #giftcard you might be giving trash. I received a $100 gift card! But instead of getting supplies I got told my card was redeemed in Canada with a slew of other cards, so it was probably comprised and they wouldn’t help me at all #ScamAlert

I celebrate #BlackFriday by turning off the lights, eating leftovers and watching dark comedies. Seems more fitting than shopping to me.