Condescending Wonka

I am always right, never wrong. One time I thought I was wrong, but I was wrong.

Insulting me gets you nowhere. Plus, it makes you look fat.

Oh, a black guy walking down the street just said 'sup homie' to me.. Am I cool now?

Your gift was a heartwarming reminder of what thoughtless bastards the rest of my friends are.

Lately I'm wondering how bad four years with no president would be.

We all know a hilarious person called me.

All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: Screw it!

Oh, you drive the speed limit? I have all the time in the world, please dont bother getting the fuck out of my way.

Oh, you wear your pants around your ankles when pick-up girls? How's that been working out for you?

Nobody cleans the house faster than a guy expecting to get laid.

Oh, you got an 'A' on your test? Please brag about how much smarter you are than everybody else.

Have you ever been so hungover that you have to sit down to brush your teeth?

I don't like that tone of voice you're texting me in.

I wish there was a signal on cars that said 'Out of my way, I'm about to shit my pants!'

Yelling 'AWKWARD!' during an awkward situation to make it even more awkward.

That awkward moment when you're stalking someone's facebook photos and you accidentally click like.

Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

Do not confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.

Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.