Utah Wonka

Oh, you're a University of Utah fan? Despite a big Rose Bowl announcement today, don't lose your heads. Remember and stick to the process. #utes

Oh, you're from Salt Lake County? Tell me all about how lame those Utah County people are who are demographically, psychographically and religiously very slightly different than you.

Oh, you let your child wear shorts to church? I'm sure it won't set a bad precedent.

Oh, your son is in a charter school? Tell me all about how he acted out in public school because he wasn't challenged enough.

Oh, your kids won't behave during church services? I'm sure it's not because you let them run around the halls when you take them out.

Oh, you drive a Honda Pilot? Tell me all about how it's much less emasculating than a minivan.

Oh, you're on Pinterest on your phone in Church? I'm sure you're finding a dinner recipe for the sister who broke a hip delivering baby #7.

Oh, your teenage daughter likes to get caught up in drama? I'm sure that's something she'll grow out of when she gets to Relief Society.

Oh, you're so grateful for eternal families? I'm sure the sister you don't speak to bc she stole your boyfriend 10 yrs ago doesn't count.

Oh, you didn't go to BYU because "the rules are too strict?" I'm sure that's not a euphemism for "I didn't get accepted."

Oh, you say you're not excited to speak in Sacrament meeting? Your constant commenting in Sunday School must be horrible for you then.

Oh, you think Utah has bad drivers? Tell me all about how people born in California are preordained to be sublime motorists.

Oh, you don't drink Diet Coke because caffeine and aspartame give you cancer? I'm sure your diabetes didn't come from your love of desserts.

Oh, you use your iPad at church? Tell me all about how you use for scriptures and not to continue tweeting about last night's RSL game.

Oh, this is the longest Sacrament meeting ever? Tell me all about how everyone loved it when you spoke and weren't bored even for a second.

Oh, you're apologizing at the start of your Priesthood lesson for being unprepared? I'm sure that will snap the class to rapt attention.

Oh, you live on the east side bench? Tell me all about how you love the view looking down on all the lowly, unwashed west-siders.

Oh, you're excited about your football team's quarterback? I'm sure you won't be one of those fans calling for his replacement in week 2.

Oh, you just got called to be Elder's Quorum President? I'm sure you didn't plan for that to come up in this conversation.

Oh, you're complaining about the triple-digit July temperatures? I'm sure you never complain about the winter cold though.