YourFavoriteMike

@WritingMadness @coanimefest Dude, you know I have a habit of skimming when I read sometimes. I thought you said you’re at Coal Mine Fest, and I figured you’re a guy with diverse interests, so I was ready to accept it without question.

Come on down to @coanimefest! And get your good boy signed today! Also I have a panel at 1:30 about the road to becoming a voice actor!

@SimplyAllegra “Oh God, what if he remembers me? 😥 Oh God… what if he DOESN’T remember me? 😠”

I’m on the block where I got chased by a squirrel. I ask myself: is he still here? Will he chase me again? Is my car safe? These are the perils I face.

Going into the new year prepared to make every single mistake I've ever made in previous years all over again, except exponentially worse this time.

@MissGinaDarling Dawg of course I use a flat sheet. What else am I gonna get my legs tangled in while attempting to catapult my 25% conscious body out of bed in the morning?

Who tf actually uses a flat sheet???

@ClaytonT Get a restraining order, Porter. Take a vacation to Palermo, Guillermo. Duck behind the counter of the 7-11, Evan. Starting to think Paul Simon just didn’t have the gumption to go beyond 50.

Just roll her up in a rug, Doug. Go hide in a cave, Dave. Start an OnlyFans, Hans. *Ways 68-70 To Leave Your Lover

@ChrisHackneyGGK I mean, when compared to the full scope of human history, May 2024 and November 2025 are basically the same month.

I just used the last of my emergen c that said it was "Best by May 2024." That's probably fine, right?

@SuzieYeung Girl's jacked, looking like she's the one who silenced the hill.

Let it be known I drew Hinako swole way back before the memes started 👩🏻‍🎨

@KaijiTang FINALLY, I know what to do with grandma's ashes...

you could put almost anything in a protein shake

@nessguerrero Is that not how we ALL show affection?

I’m grateful Turtle has decided laying in me is cool, it’s when she rotates that I have a problem.

@Lexy_Snipes LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOO!!!

After almost two years, I can finally say I’m cancer free 🥹💕

@RonwellQDobbs @nessguerrero The endurance and dedication it would take to do that would have me even MORE terrified. It tells me this ape has NO LIMITS.

@nessguerrero But a regular sized ape climbing the Empire State Building would look pretty unimpressive on camera. It would take forever.

The premise of King Kong is funny because you can scare me with a regular sized ape.

@SimplyAllegra Next time I have to be anesthetized, I can only hope to drift off to such a banger.

I think last time I woke up from anesthesia, it was loudly proclaiming that the piece I heard while going under was Jupiter: Bringer of Jollity from Gustav Holst’s “The Planets” so I truly hope I do something as iconic post-endoscopy today.

@Ajtucker22 “Trading” is a bit of a misnomer for what we did with Carlos Correa. That implies that we got, or even asked for, something in return. Fucking Pohlads are just stripping all the copper pipes from the walls on their way out.

HOLY SHIT WHAT

Dude I work with was sitting there looking at his phone, and at one point he said “Well, she’s gone.” So naturally, I started singing She’s Gone by Daryl Hall & John Oates at full volume. Truly an incredible song, one of my favorites. Anyway, it turns out his grandma died… 😬

I’m not suffering from male pattern baldness, I prefer to call it a hairline fracture.

@kniightly I should call her…

@_@ my hands don’t work

@Killionaireee Truly golfing like a top.

i won 3/3 games at Top Golf. I feel like i have the fattest cock ever

@nessguerrero Maybe if he has a peanut allergy? You could potentially be a walking death trap for the guy, which is honestly pretty empowering, right?

My date asked me what I did today and I said “fell asleep with an open jar of peanut butter in my hands” did I scare him away?

The Timberwolves watching everyone shred the Celtics for losing on 15/60 from 3 after having clinched on 7/47:

@Timberwolves @theantedwards_ @NBA @NBAonTNT

back-to-back playoffs 👀