AJ MEE

"I said to the man who stood at the Gate of the Year/ 'Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.' / And he replied, "Go out into the darkness, and put your hand into the hand of God. / That shall be to you better than light, and safer than a known way."

April, 1951. I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between.

April 18. Remember who checks on you when you get little quiet. Those are your people

April 17. Still, when I wake up, I feel as if I were rising from a grave, gathering my moldy, worm-riddled limbs into a final effort.

Is all of my pain your freedom? Well, enjoy.

April 17. “People seem good while they are oppressed, but they only wish to become oppressors in their turn: life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim.” — Bertrand Russell, Letter to Ottoline Morrell

April 16. i think i think too much

April 15. UNPOPULAR OPINION: A lot of "mental health issues" disappear when bills are paid, rent is secure, and the fridge is full. Peace is expensive. And pretending money doesn't affect mental health is privilege.

“I see darkness, even in hope.” — Franz Kafka

April 14. A breath of music or of a dream, of something that would make me almost feel, something that would make me not think.

April 13. I felt distant from everyone.

My flaws burns through my skin like demonic flames from the depths of hell.

April 12. I’m the gap between what I am and am not, between what I dream and what life has made of me.

April 11. Almost dead yesterday, maybe dead tomorrow, but alive, gloriously alive, today.

Allow me to give you some advice from the heart: don’t give up art, and even give yourself over to it even more than so far….Living in solitude and embittering your soul with recollections, you can make your life very gloomy. There is a single refuge, a single medicine: art and creative work. Fyodor Dostoevsky Letter to Yekaterina Yunge 11 April 1880

I think I had a vague feeling that being in such unbearable pain was proof that I was brimming with life.

April 10. 100 days of 2026

April 10. It was April. The sun washed the balconies, April.

You know, we thank some people for merely living at the same time as we do. I thank you for the fact that I met you, that I will remember you for all my life. -Dostoevsky, White Nights

- Franz Kafka, The Diaries of Franz Kafka

“Slept, awoke, 9-5, slept, awoke, 9-5,~ Miserable life.”