Robert Schultz

My freshman year roommate sat me down Day 1 and was like “Heads up: I’ll be bringing lots of girls and maybe even some guys to the dorm this year so, if that scares you, grow up cuz this ain’t high school!” Anyway, he brought one girl back the whole year and now they’re married.

the worst part of living with my wife is that i’m also living with all her intrusive thoughts like last night as we were falling asleep i said “i hope that you sleep well” and then through the darkness she replied “i hope that whenever i die you die at the exact same time”

there are two kinds of people in this world: people who take being told to “hurry up” as a helpful reminder and people who take being told to “hurry up” as a vicious personal attack

my 93-year-old Irish grandmother told me I should never bring up my Irish heritage in a job interview because “it would prevent me from getting work” and it’s just kinda like, thank you grandma, I will keep that in mind if I interview to work at a turn-of-the-century shipyard

i once had a boss call me into his office and accuse me of “quiet quitting” which forced me to embarrassingly have to explain that, no sir, i am not quiet quitting, i am just genuinely not very good at my job

one time my boss called every employee into the conference room to brainstorm ideas for how the company could cut costs and i was like “what if the company just slightly lowered the pay of their top executives?” and that was the last time i was allowed to talk in meetings

i told my parents i’m worried about never reaching my full potential and they were like “if it makes you feel any better, we’ve always thought you had way less potential than you seem to think you do”

i’m finally financially independent from my parents! all it took was hard work, disciple, and becoming financially dependent on my wife

they say that "behind every great man, there's a great woman" but i've always found that, more often than not, behind every great man there's actually just a bone-chilling backstory revealing he was never truly great and should probably be in prison

i’ve been married two weeks and so far the biggest change is that instead of telling people “yes, i meant to say ‘girlfriend’ not ‘boyfriend,’ i swear to god i’m straight” i tell people “yes, i meant to say ‘wife’ not ‘husband,’ i swear to god i’m straight”

my wife keeps sending me viral tiktoks of husbands taking their wives on expensive vacations and viral tiktoks of husbands buying their wives expensive gifts and it’s like, okay honey, i can take a hint, you obviously think i should be trying harder to go viral on tiktok

my favorite reality show contestants are the ones who go on dating shows, make no meaningful connections, get no significant screen time and are eliminated after 1-2 weeks because they, essentially, just got paid to enjoy an all-expense-paid vacation

my grandpa spent an entire dinner ranting about how the younger generation is totally clueless and has no idea how the world works and then as soon as the dinner was over, he pulled me aside and asked me to please help him log in to his own email

i asked my mom which of her three children was her favorite and she said “oh, come on, i could never choose between your two sisters”

i got married at 31 which my friends in los angeles look at as like when a preschooler has a wedding on the playground and my family in missouri looks at as like when your grandma finally makes a friend in the nursing home

I can't wait to attend my high school reunion and rub my success in the face of everyone who bullied me! and by "bullied me" I mean "was perfectly nice to me but I simply did not have the social skills to reciprocate their genuine attempts at friendship"

my wife goes "can you stop saying 'Josh Allen is a fraud who stole Lamar Jackson's MVP?' I don't know who either of those people are" and then later she goes "OMG Hailee Steinfeld just posted a picture with her husband and he's so CUTE!" ...is she trying to give me an aneurysm?

I think if Trump refuses to leave office at the end of his term, we should just leave him inside whatever room he barricades himself in and make it like a fun part of the White House tour

i realized my wife was the one when i found out that her insane amount of credit card debt is exactly equal to my insane amount of student loan debt which i think is the millennial version of the glass slipper fitting perfectly

rich people love to complain that the government is screwing them over on taxes but when you ask them how they’re just like “by making me pay them!”

whenever you don’t have enough money at the gas pump, it displays a message that says “Please See Cashier” and, it’s like, i’m sorry but what’s the cashier gonna do? lend me some money???