Robert Schultz

My freshman year roommate sat me down Day 1 and was like “Heads up: I’ll be bringing lots of girls and maybe even some guys to the dorm this year so, if that scares you, grow up cuz this ain’t high school!” Anyway, he brought one girl back the whole year and now they’re married.

husband goes “tropical vacations are rough with you” i go “why?” he goes “because you literally call any random person wearing sunglasses ‘iconic.’ you’re the girl who cried ‘iconic.’” maybe true…

nothing turns me into a Republican faster than QR code menus like a waitress will tell me their menu is totally digital and I just shake my head like “we used to be a f*ckin’ country”

my wife just found a strand of her own hair in my car then demanded to know if I was cheating on her with a woman who looks exactly like her so who says a drama-free relationship can’t have drama???

i was hanging out with my irish grandmother and i accidentally described her as being "basically british" which, in the irish community, is actually considered a su!c!de attempt

i once interviewed for an entry level job where they told me i didn’t have enough experience and when i asked how i was supposed to get experience if nobody would hire me without experience the interviewer pulled a lever beside their desk that opened a trap door under my chair

everyone’s advice for getting a good job is like “wear a suit to the interview, have a strong handshake, send handwritten notes to the hiring manager” and everyone’s explanation for how they actually have a good job is like “oh, the owner of the company plays golf with my dad”

over the course of a single mother’s day brunch, my mom managed to insinuate i should lose weight, make a passive aggressive dig at my career and imply that she likes all my siblings more than me which is actually what they call a “motherhood triple double”

parents trash-talking their own kids feels like a sports coach complaining that their team is bad, it’s like, you built this roster, they’re running the plays you installed, hey, maybe they’re not losers, maybe they just weren’t lucky enough to be drafted into a winning culture

whenever parents receive literally any criticism, they love to sarcastically be like “oh, so i guess i’m just the WORST PARENT EVER!” and it’s like, i get you’re not being serious but, yeah, you might genuinely be in the running

i recently heard someone say “all my conservative friends think i’m liberal and all my liberal friends think i’m conservative” and it’s like, okay, so what i’m hearing is 100% of your friends think you suck to be around

it’s wild when people try to own the younger generation by saying stuff like “men used to go to war!” because they’re conveniently leaving out the part where those men had to be forced to go to war, hated every single second of it and were literally never the same afterwards

i met a middle-aged man at a party and i very quickly learned 2 things about him: 1. i learned he “doesn’t believe in sunscreen” and 2. i learned he’s not actually a middle-aged man, he’s actually a young man who just looks middle-aged because he doesn’t believe in sunscreen

Billionaires love to justify their wealth by being like “Hey, I deserve this money because I create jobs!” and then leave out the part where those "jobs" are severely underpaid with terrible working conditions and mostly being done by malnourished children in overseas sweatshops.

my husband goes “it’s interesting to me that in some ways you’re very traditional, like you expect me to buy all your food, but in other ways you’re very untraditional, like you eat all the food I buy you with your hands”

i used my wife’s expensive moisturizer that she specifically told me not to use and it immediately turned my skin red and made me break out so, that settles it, god is a woman and karma is real

guys with daughters love to say stuff like “becoming a girl dad has made me start looking at women as real human beings who deserve rights” and it’s like, that’s cool, but how exactly were you looking at women before?

a subtle giveaway that someone grew up rich is if they were able to bring a friend on family vacations like what do you mean your parents were like “of course johnny from your soccer team can come! what’s another 5 thousand dollars!?!”

your boss who makes 10x your salary and lives in a mansion loves to be like “hey, can you show me how to open excel?”

one time i went to the movies by myself and two different couples on dates wound up sitting down on either side of me and i was like, damn, on the one hand, it kinda sucks to be alone, but on the other hand, it kinda rocks to pull off the extremely rare double-third wheel

billionaires will exploit tax loopholes to avoid ever paying their fair share and then will get defensive like “hey, don’t get mad at me, i’m just following the law (that i actively make sure is tilted in my favor through a combination of bribes and blackmail)!”