The Day Today

THE NEWS STARTS NOW!

The Day Today, because at the end of the day... it's night.

The Headlines Tonight: Portillo's teeth removed from pound by Starmer. Musk's 5th hair transplant met with disastrous creeping chair neck unpleasantness. Wrexham MP dead after swollen council house accident. And "Has anyone seen my keys?" from man made of bricks.

BREAKING NEWS SHE’S BACK

#BreakingNews Fighting has broken out within the province of South-western Eastern Southern Northern Westtown. Blue Chris is there at the scene now... Chris?

The Day Today, Mr. News has entered the building!

This was a lie, it is most definitely news o'clock.

#BreakingNews‌ The headlines are sloppy tonight, let's hear them! Stampeded artery asks for a chair... "I didn't want it" said man who refunded his leg.. Manchester loses 28 nil to an iceberg... And Japanese building discovers my darkest secrets... It is NOT news o'clock!

The headlines yesterday! Giant watermelon wins Mozambique majority... Cat diarrhoeas through Member of Parliament's sunroof... And "it was a nightmare" recounts victim of utterly pointless shenanigans... Those are the headlines, my tummy hurts so much...

The headlines tonight! Local bloke spends 24 hours on the loo... "Threats were made to our sovereignty" announces leader of sewer rats... Twitter shares news on gigantic dying heart... And "the mortars are coming" says burning baby... Those are the headlines, eat my news...

#BreakingNews The headlines tonight! War waged against elephant onslaught... Women battle over cloud... World Cup ends after political chew toy passes gas... And "the headlines this week all begin with the letter W" says fiddle... Those are the headlines, I think?

#BreakingNews Tonight's newsy news! "The end is nigh" roars enraged embryo... Person makes sandwich, lives to tell the tale... Russian rouble eaten whole... And Czech Republic bans stupid green cars... Those are the headlines, now tell me... what is love?

#BreakingNews Today's headlines! Drunk tiger paints the planet brown... "I don't know what to do" admits victim road sign... Number 2 is forgotten... And Eiffel Tower leaves Paris for good... Those are the headlines, I bet the planet will remain a shit stain forever...

#BreakingNews Today's important deets! Cannibal slug dies in York... British Army denies offensive against six year old child... AIDS ridden chicken injected with mayo... And Joe Biden assaulted by stairwell... Those are the headlines, it's going to rain tomorrow...

#BreakingNews Here's today's deets! Bosnian delegate sacrificed to turkey to boost pound... Tinfoil hat wearing man spotted in Tel Aviv fires... And Essex couple held in trial for crimes against the bush community... Those are the headlines, I can't stop sneezing...

We lied, there will be no more...

Breaking Birmingham residence terrorised by primate More at 10!!!

MORE NEWS AT 10? NO! MORE NEWS NOW!!!! WE ARE BACK!

Man is 80% water. On the Hour is 100% news!

Breaking! THE GAYS ARE HERE!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!