birdy

[u get brutally murdered and the killer is never found] somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: [turning it off] this is fucking boring

[first date] her: i broke up with my last boyfriend because he was moving too fast sonic the hedgehog: [getting up] yeah ok. fuck this

@anannabananacan gangnam style

What’s the absolute saddest song you know? Like the most gut wrenching, tear jerking, skip it if you did your makeup type banger? I’m trying to compile the most depressing playlist of all time

one of the most embarrassing things that can ever happen to you is getting tagged in freeze tag and having to stand there completely still like a fucking idiot

me: [sees cop walking over] oh shit he's gonna find out we have drugs friend: just lie me: ok cop: do u guys have any drugs me: no we have a bomb

my grandpa to me: the vietnam war me: grandpa shut the fuck up man [60 years later] me to my grandson: the NFT war my grandson: grandpa shut the fuck up man

therapist: how do u feel katy perry: like..... a plastic bag therapist: katy perry: therapist: what

doctor: u have a rare disease that causes extreme confusion me: what?

@kevdog thanks

politician: i'd like to open the floor for questions. please only ask if its important lady: what do u have to say ab- me shoving her out of the way: do- [out of breath] do the transformers need life or car insurance

mysterious guy: to find your destiny you must ascend the mountain and speak to the man who stares at the sun me: ok [after climbing the mountain] me: what is my destiny man who stares at the sun: i can't see. i can't fuckin see anything

hanging out with spiderman and when u glance away he's nowhere to be found... later that night u wake up and he's crawling around in your bed, headed directly for your mouth

[spider-man running away scared] me wearing a giant pair of shoes: that's right

[bringing date back to my place] me: this is my treehouse her: this is just a regular tree me: *struggling to climbing up* yeah but i live in it

[laying down looking up at the stars] her: don't you feel small me: *defensively* 5 inches is average size

starbucks barista: ok coming right up jason derulo: don't u need my name barista: no please not agai- jason derulo: 𝓳𝓪𝓼𝓸𝓷 𝓭𝓮𝓻𝓾𝓵𝓸

alvin “and” the chipmunks implies that alvin himself is not a chipmunk... what is he

doctor: [placing hand on my shoulder] im so sorry for ur loss me: wh-what are u saying doctor: of hearing me: what

cop: do u know why i pulled u over me: *nodding* i was watching ratatouille cop: *nods* scoot over

oh that's your girl??? lmaooo then why did she just give me her number and insurance information after i hit her car in the chili's parking lot

waiter: would u like a to go box date: sur- me, wearing cargo shorts: we don’t need one