Allan Umpherville

Seperated at birth? #joe #marve

I like to flick boogers from the top row at movie theaters.

When my girlfriend pisses me off, I put the Saran Wrap as high as possible in the cupboard so she struggles to reach it. #kitchen #justice

Now I've seen it all. Some girl in a wheelchair just won a treadmill on The Price Is Right...

Great. My girlfriend decided she wants to start golfing. The one fucking thing I had is now gone.

*at Applebee's* "I'm all about that steak, bout' that steak, no taters" *throws mashed potatoes across the restaurant*

More of Mexican Willem Dafoe. Why, you ask? Because nobody needs a reason for more Willem Dafoe.

If I could be Willem Dafoe for one day, I would be Mexican Willem Dafoe from Once Upon A Time In Mexico.

I can hardly wait for golfing season so I can fill so many holes with my tiny white balls. #sports

Maybe when I go to Mexico, my girlfriend will be on her period and will get eaten by a shark! #prayers

@robdelaney this very situation happened the other day. #nature

Do deaf people know they talk like that? I mean, they're deaf, but can they hear themselves? #science

Power was out. Phone was down to 3%. You don't even know the level of panic that was setting in. I just about had to read a book. *shivers*

@Bartley_Flow He's absolutely right. That's why I'm so fast...

Putting Todd Frazier in the MLB home run derby must have been some kind of fucking joke.

@theviewtv I would rather masturbate with a handful of fibreglass insulation than watch 30 seconds of your program.

>>>>> ripping farts in an elevator 😍😍

@johnquinninq shut the fuck up

@KirillWasHere when you're with a hooker, you're gambling with aids.